Saturday, January 28, 2006

Trailer Curmudgeons

I am not up to thinking tonight, so Libby and I will watch trailers that Hollywood hopes will entice you into seeing various summer films. Then we will say (potentially) amusing things about them.

Commence.

X3 (May 26): (See it now.) What can be said about a giant, blue, furry Frasier Crane that hasn't already been said? Frankly, nothing. So we won't touch on that, even though it's the easiest thing to make fun of. X2 was a fine superhero film, but this one has a trailer that sets up a theme for the big summer hits: WAY OVER-THE-TOP. L.A. is getting desperate. They want you to watch their movies. And if they don't, by God, they'll pummel you with sensurround.

Libby sez: I watched a cat drinking water for 90 seconds, and it was more entertaining than that trailer.

The DaVinci Code (May 19): (See it now.) So a mulleted Forrest Gump, Amelie, Gandalf the Grey, Doctor Octopus and Paul Bettany have teamed up with all-American boy Ron Howard to DESTROY THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION. The trailer tries to make this feel like some sort of riveting event that will turn into a work of sheer genius (and, to be fair, some pulp novels do work better on screen -- "The Godfather," anyone?), but mostly, it just feels campy. Big orchestral chords play at inopportune times (someone is taking a box out of another box! Spooky!) and a wailing soprano accompanies a man falling down a well. It all feels a little too reverential.

Libby sez: I'm so glad they decided to play this for laughs.

Cars (June 9): (See it now.) This is just a TEASER, so it doesn't really give away much. Basically, you get the sense that the movie is about cars. That talk. And, hopefully, don't sing. From anyone but Pixar, I'd be skeptical. From Pixar, though, I'm anticipatory. But, let's face it, they never have good trailers. And this is no exception.

Libby sez: Vroom, vroom, baby!

Stick It (Spring 2006): (See it now.) "Every day. . .I break the law. . .of GRAVITY."

Libby sez: "It's not called gym-NICE-tics."

Slither (March 31): (See it now.) I assumed this movie was about snakes. That was where I was wrong. This movie is about MAN-SLUGS. You can see where I was confused.

Libby sez: He (Nathan Fillion) is so pretty. Why is he doing this?!

(By the by, we've met Nathan Fillion. He can't ACTUALLY pilot a spaceship. Who'd'a thunk?)

Click (June 23): (See it now.) Somehow, it's wrong that Adam Sandler is playing family men. And being ensconced in terrible old-age makeup (let's save that for the cast of A Beautiful Mind, shall we?). And he's married to Dr. Kate Beckinsale? Not if he wasn't a millionaire he wouldn't be (though she married the director of Underworld, so I guess anything's possible). Anyway, this is a cool concept, and the joke about the "Beyond" being at "Bed, Bath and Beyond" is kind of funny. And a kid gets hit in the face. But, also, breasts jiggle, which seems to indicate this knows the demographic it's going for. Which is probably not my demographic.

Libby sez: She has nothing to say. She laughed really hard when the kid got hit in the face by the ball, though. So there's hope for this movie after all.

The Break-Up (June 2): (See it now.) See, the idea of an anti-romantic comedy is a good one. And Peyton Reed is a fun director. And Vince Vaughn is always a good time. But this trailer spends WAY too much time on a joke that isn't that funny. Though it does set up the premise of the movie. So that means this is probably a success. Clearly, I know nothing about marketing.

Libby sez: I would watch Vince Vaughn sort mail. And it's nice to see Jennifer Aniston have chemistry with someone after spending so many years with someone with whom she had none (Brad Pitt, she clarifies, not David Schwimmer. . .though she didn't have chemistry with him either. . .but he has a funny voice!).

Aquamarine (March 3): (See it now.) If you go to that link, you'll see a poster with three young teen girls lying non-chalantly. Then. . .if you look off to the right. . .you'll see Neil Young, looking for all the world like a creepy old man. Anyway. There are mermaids. And wishes. And hunky lifeguards. And all of the jokes from The Little Mermaid, recycled for a new generation. With 50% fewer singing crabs.

Libby sez: This movie has sucked all of the joy out of being a mermaid. Another dream has died.

She's the Man (March 17): (See it now.) I find the IDEA of Amanda Bynes sort of entertaining. In practice, however, it's a lot more awkward and hard to watch. But she tries so hard. I'll give her a gold star anyway. At any rate, if you ever wanted to see a direct transplant of 12th Night set in a high school with Tobias Funke, this is the film for you (Mom).

Libby sez: Not quite Boys Don't Cry. Good luck with that Oscar, Amanda!

Superman Returns (June 30): (See it now.) I don't really LIKE Superman. He's probably the most boring of the superheroes, all straitlaced and uptight. But I really like this trailer. Supes, for better or worse, is American mythology, and this trailer gets that. Plus. . .Marlon Brando returns from the dead! And Bryan Singer is really, really, really good. He makes better movies than YOU make (unless you're Paul Thomas Anderson. . .and why are you reading this anyway? Go make another movie).

Libby sez: When's the next Batman movie coming out?

Anyway. . .that's all for now. If you like this enough, we can make it a semi-regular feature. But don't get your hopes up. Doing ANYthing for sustained stretches of time is hard on Libby.

1 comment:

Moses said...

For those of you who enjoy your explitives and slightly more graphic violence, there is also an 18-and-over trailer to Slither here.