Monday, March 20, 2006

Trailer Curmudgeons, Vol. 2

Missed the first part? See it now!

Once again, Libby and I have conspired to review the upcoming movies before they're even in theaters! Marvel at our psychic powers and intellectual prowess!

If you're looking for the next volume in the TV preview, that will probably come tomorrow. Fox is a tough nut to crack, so blowing it off seemed like the thing to do.

Libby: No. I'm not doing this. I refuse to go on until you tell them that I was responsible for the UPS thing.

Fine. The headline of yesterday's BRIEF ITEM on Edie Falco was SOMETHING LIBBY SAID. And not all that amusing.

Libby: Now tell them I'm great.

No.

Talladega Nights (Aug. 4): (See it now.) Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams. Amy Adams.

Libby: I can't believe I sat through that entire trailer for two-and-a-half seconds of Amy Adams.

I can.

The Wild (April 14): (See it now.) Let's see. How can I put this elegantly? You know Madagascar? That was like, er. . .how CAN I say this without causing my mother to pass out. Madagascar was like Rocky Mountain oysters, see? Since this is just a Madagascar RIPOFF, that means this is like WARMED OVER Rocky Mountain oysters. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Libby: It's like Madagascar and Finding Nemo had a baby and that baby was Jack Bauer.

Snakes on a Plane (Aug. 18): (See it now.) I mean. . .it's really all right there in the title, right? I mean. . .the SNAKES are on the PLANE. And you KNOW bad stuff is going to go DOWN. "That's it," says Samuel L. Jackson. "I've HAD IT with the snakes."

Libby: *long period of hyperventilation* So many nights, I've laid awake, wondering what would happen if thousands of snakes were loose on a plane. On August 18. . .I'll know.

Nacho Libre (June 2): (See it now.) You know what the kids today are all up in arms about? Mexican wrestling. All I hope is that this buys director Jared Hess' awkwardly named wife Jerusha Hess a new car. She's earned it.

Libby: God. When will Jack Black finally have an outlet for his crazy self? All these years, forced to play a character so unlike himself! I feel bad for his new sister-in-law, Petra Haden, one of the Haden triplets.

Stay Alive (March 24): (See it now.) You know what the kids today are crazy for? No, BESIDES Mexican wrestling. That's right. They're crazy about the notion that the disembodied spirit of blood countess Erzabet Bathory might implant itself in a survival horror video game and kill Anna from The O.C., Malcolm in the Middle and Chandler's non-Joey roommate. I mean, I know I wake up in cold sweats just thinking about it.

Libby: And when you do, I ask you about snakes on planes.

Poseidon (May 9): (See it now.) Look! There's Det. Frank Pembleton! And the Phantom of the Opera's lust nugget Christine! And. . .hey. . .isn't that that guy who turned his mashed potatoes into Devil's Tower? It is! And the coach who integrated the NCAA! Geez! It's like old home week here. There's The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. And the brother of the racist cop from Crash! Ooooh! And that giant wave from The Perfect Storm. Missed you, buddy. The REAL question, though, is who's going to sing "The Morning After."

Libby: My money's on a duet between Emmy "I'm Dead Inside" Rossum and Kurt "The Thing" Russell.

Marie Antoinette (Fall 2006): (See it now.) I mean, if you're GOING to lose your head, you might as well do it to slammin' 80s new wave.

Libby: Ohmigawd! It's so totally Seventeen magazine does Reign of Terror! And Kirsten Dunst looks so uber hot! A million Oscars! Totally!

That's all for now. Just remember. Until next time. . .

There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on thru the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
Let's keep on looking for the light.

Libby:
Oh can't you see the morning after?
It's waiting right outside the storm
Why don't we cross the bridge together
And find the place that's safe and warm.

It's not too late, we should be giving
Only with love can we climb
It's not too late, not while we're living
Let's put our hands out in time.

Libby:
There's got to be a morning after
We're moving closer to the shore
I know we'll be there by tomorrow
And we'll escape the darkness
We won't be searching anymore.

There's got to be a morning after
(There's got to be a morning after)
There's got to be a morning after
(There's got to be a morning after)
There's got to be a morning after
(There's got to be a morning after)
There's got to be a morning after
(There's got to be a morning after)
There's got to be a morning after
(There's got to be a morning after)
There's got to be a morning after
(There's got to be a morning after).

No comments: