Thursday, June 22, 2006

Trailer curmudgeons, Vol. 3

It's the latest segment in our ongoing quest to preview movies so you don't have to. If you want to see this become a regularer feature, let us know!

Here we go!

The Wicker Man (Sept. 1):

Don't like YouTube on general principle? See it now!

Todd: Who can take the wicker?
Sprinkle it with dew?
Burn unholy children
and an Oscar winner too?

The Wicker Man.
The Wicker Man can.
The Wicker Man can cuz he sprinkles them with fire
and makes the burning taste good.

(Did you see that chick made out of bugs? Gross! We totally have to take our girlfriends to see this, man! We'll totally score after the movie!)

I was going to call this an unnecessary remake but then, realizing I'd never seen the original ...

(Libby, for the record, is ashamed of her lack of cinematic education. And ashamed of falling asleep during Jacque Tati's Playtime. Bad Libby.)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (July 7):

Quicktime is here.

I was rather happy when the first film turned in to a massive word-of-mouth hit. You see, I have a dirty little secret. . .I love pirates. I like it when they talk pirate-y to me. It was good to know I wasn't alone.

But then. . .it went from being a fun sleeper hit with a horrible concept and a fun Johnny Depp performance to being one of the most annoying religions ever created. Yes. I know Orlando Bloom has pretty eyes. I don't care.

It doesn't help that everyone I know wants to see this. The soccer mom who sits next to me at work? Excited. My family? Excited. My cats? Excited.

Still. . .this warms my heart. More pirates! A squid-man! A giant squid! And pirates! Talking pirate-y!

All of the Johnny-come-lately Johnny Depp fans in the world aren't enough to make me not slightly anticipate this one.

Libby: Nothing is any good if anyone else likes it.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (July 21):

Fear YouTube is collecting secret data about your houseplants? Quicktime isn't!

Todd: Call me crazy, but I laughed at this. It has a silly premise we haven't seen one hundred times. It has Dwight from The Office. It has every bad breakup fear rolled into one over-the-top scenario. And it (oh too briefly) has the mellifluous tones of AIR SUPPLY. Granted, all of the laughs may be in the trailer, but I'm there for the AIR SUPPLY.

Libby: Yes. Because what we needed was a superhero light romantic comedy.

The Descent (Aug. 4):

Quicktime. Your best friend.

Todd: You know what's scary? Being trapped in a cave. You know what's scarier? Bald men who arise from murky pools and chase you! Crazy Brits.

Libby: This is why women should never try and do anything by themselves.

Little Miss Sunshine (July 26):

And lo, he said unto them. Quicktime.

Todd: The film that was politely applauded and then bought for way too much money at Sundance is ALMOST UPON US. It is NECESSARY that you LAUGH at this.

Actually, the real movie is supposed to be fairly foul-mouthed, so the weird cutting in this trailer is indicative of that, I think (as well as the general lack of laughs). Nice cast though. And you know what people rely on more than anything in the summer to make their moviegoing choices? Critics.

(That was sarcasm. They actually rely on how big Adam Sandler's head is on the standee.)

But Sufjan Stevens? Really?

Libby: I have touched Sufjan Stevens, and I like Steve Carell, and there are no pirates in this movie, so I shall see it.

John Tucker Must Die (July 28):

Quicktime awaits you here.

So I look at that poster, and I don't say, "I MUST see John Tucker Must Die." I say, "Hmmm. . .looks like statutory rape is OK again. Thanks, Congress!"

Three thoughts:

1.) Why, when we do these features, am I always the one picking the movies about teen girls to watch the trailers for? On second thought, don't think too hard about that one.

2.) Remember when The Pope Must Die came out and the angry Catholics got them to change the title by crudely sketching a T on to the end of "Die" on all of the posters JUST before release? Think that will happen here?

3.) John Tucker can do a flip when he goes up to dunk. IS HE ACTUALLY THE GORILLA?

Libby: Finally, Hollywood is making movies for women like me.

The Holiday (Dec. 8):

Quicktime likes chick flicks too.

Todd: Take Nancy Meyers, director of such crap as What Women Want and such mega-crap as Something's Gotta Give. Add one of the stupidest premises for a movie ever. Toss in a lot of dumb jokes you've seen before. And while you're at it, add holiday movie cliches AND pointless romantic tension. Top it off with the insinuation that Kate Winslet's only good enough for Jack Black (when, verily, she is one of the smokinest on the planet), and shake thoroughly. Serves your whole miserable family one holiday afternoon out when they don't have to talk to each other but do have to consider the depth of human despair.

Libby: So Cameron Diaz is hot enough for Jude Law, but Kate Winslet is only good enough for Jack Black? (At this point, she launched into an impenetrable wall of swears, which I didn't bother transcribing, lest my mother still be able to look her in the face without flinching.) I HATE NANCY MEYERS!!!

Invincible (Aug. 25):

Quicktime tried out too.

Todd: *Deep within the Disney headquarters.*

Exec 1: Okay. We make lots of money from families, teens, the elderly. . .who are we missing?

Exec 2: People like Libby Hill's dad, Jerry.

Exec 1: What does Libby's dad like?

Exec 2: NFL football. College football. High school football. Basketball. Baseball. Hockey, if the U.S. is beating the Russians.

Exec 1: Is he one for a good inspirational story?

Exec 2: You bet your ass. And it's even better if they're true!

Exec 1: I'm sold. Let's start up a production unit called "Movies for Libby's Dad."

Exec 2: I'll get right on it, boss.

Libby: I miss my dad.

Todd: I miss video games.

Ratatouille (Summer 2007):

Quicktime it.

Todd: The timing on that first gag where they reveal the rat is just beautiful. It takes FOREVER, and you can't figure out why Pixar decided to make a movie about a waiter's hands and inanimate wheels of cheese. But then you see the rat and all Hell breaks loose. And the opening shot of Paris is pretty nice too.

But still? A movie about a rat who craves fine cheeses and lives in France? I can smell certain, er, demographics tuning out right now.

Nice move showing the kids how to pronounce it right there in the trailer, though.


Casino Royale (Nov. 17):


Todd: I like the handheld, Bourne Identity-ish stuff here, but I've never seen a Bond movie in theaters, and I don't really see a compelling reason to start.

Unless, of course, I were a HUGE fan of Card Sharks.

Libby: He has a monkey face.

Charlotte's Web (Dec. 20):

Quicktime loves you.

Todd: So, I pretty much grew up on Charlotte's Web farm, what with the adorable pigs, survival of the fittest axings, magical spiders and talking animals. No! Really! I did!

Honestly, though, I've never read this book (I know the big twist ending though!), and the presence of a fart gag in one of the foremost methods of teaching children about the life-and-death cycle is doing nothing to assuage my fears.

Libby: This is going to be awesome. And anyone who doesn't think so, can suck it.

Todd: Great. The one movie she's actually anticipating, and it has to be about a talking pig.

Libby: No! You don't get the last word! You keep taking the last word, and it's my last word! That's the deal!

Libby briefly ran off and pouted, locking herself in the bathroom. But I was able to lure her back with. . .

Ghost Rider (Feb. 16, 2007):

Quicktime made a deal with the devil too.

Todd: Before we start, check out this TOTALLY RAD PLOT SUMMARY!!!!!!!!!

"Based on the Marvel character, stunt motorcyclist Johnny Blaze gives up his soul to become a hellblazing vigilante, to fight against power hungry Blackheart, the son of the devil himself."

SO. AWESOME. How do you think they came up with the name Blackheart?!

Seriously, folks. Comic book fans always complain about how they don't get enough respect for their "new American mythology" and whatnot. Superman? Okay. Batman? Of course. Spiderman and the X-Men? Makes sense to me.

But a skeleton-man who rides around on a flaming motorcycle setting things on fire and whipping things with chains? No. That is not a new American mythology. I call shenanigans.

Libby: And you wonder why I don't get excited for films anymore.

Thanks for playing everybody! If you'd like to see MORE trailer curmudgeons, let us know. We're here to serve!


David Sims said...

Um. Ratatouille=Brad Bird END OF STORY? That's all that needed 2 B SED. Fuck.

The Wicker Man is directed by Neil LaBute, but that trailer seems to be trying to make it look like Skeleton Key. I'm hoping it can live up to its great source material and interesting choice of helmer.

And The Descent is awesome.

Daniel said...

Once upon a time, David was supposed to send "The Descent" to me. When he didn't, I realized he was a filthy, British liar.

Daniel said...

Aslo, the rat movie will rule because of PATTON. OSWALT.

Hallie said...

okay... three observations...

One: Where is the "All the King's Men" trailer and why aren't ya'll making fun of Sean Penn like you made fun of Renee Z. in "Cold Mountain?"

Two: Of course Libby wants to see "Charlotte's Web." Julia Roberts doing the voice of Charlotte? It's a wonder Libberace didn't collapse in the floor and speak in tongues.

and Three: I think Mike Gusiaas will propose to Krista after a viewing of "Ghost Rider." I think that film is what he's been waiting for.

Todd VanDerWerff said...

Libby has slowly, SLOWLY overcome her love of Julia following the one-two punch of Benjamin Bratt and her breaking up and America's Sweethearts. Nothing has been the same ever since.

And I didn't see All the King's Men on Maybe we'll do that in a special OSCAR HOPEFULS edition.

And why does everyone think I'm not excited for Ratatouille? As a PIXAR FANBOY, I am.

I'm just saying. . .rat. . .eating cheese. . .France. . .it doesn't scream Middle America.

But I've been wrong before.

Andy Scott said...

Something's Gotta Give was not mega crap!