Monday, January 15, 2007

Pseudo-live blogging the Golden Globes with Todd, Libby and Tram

(If you came across this earlier, it's complete now. Check it out!)

Okay, so I know who won everything. And we're getting this on a three-hour tape delay. But here we go.

8:00: Hollywood's biggest night? I wager there are bigger.

8:01: One Night Only? Here's hoping.

8:02: George Clooney! What a rake!

8:03: Libby is overwhelmed by the cut to America Ferrera as Jennifer Hudon wins. Plus-size sisters stick together? Hudson almost falls as she goes up the stairs after winning.

8:05: Florence Ballard shoutout. America Wikipedias.

8:06: Original song nominees. Whatever happened to Will Smith awkwardly rapping the title of every movie he was in and having it become a Top 40 hit? I mean, Pursuit of Happyness, that's just crying out for rap excitement.

8:07: The Golden Globes are probably the most awkwardly-produced awards show that there is. And, what's more, I don't even like them that much. Libby is futilely pressing the fast forward button on the TiVo, trying to make the commercials go away.

8:11: Time for Miss Golden Globe. Vincent Chase doesn't sound very excited about this.

8:11: Wait. . .Jack Nicholson procreated? And the result was hot? What the hell?

8:13: "I think the guy who plays Eric on Entourage had to point out who Jeremy Piven was to Jeremy Irons, but I cannot be completely sure," Libby says. "It looked as though Jeremy Irons congratulated him, and then he had to say, 'Oh no, it's not me, it's him.'"

8:14: Brad/Angelina cutaway tally -- 3

8:16: "Wow. You're famous in another field. Here's a Golden Globe." -- Libby

8:17: Why are they playing soft core porn music as Kyra Sedgwick mounts the stage? ... See what I did there?

8:17: Libby hitting fast forward in vain tally -- 4

8:18: Tally of times Libby uses the word "ugly" to describe the spawn of Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick -- 17

8:19: For those of you who watched Access Hollywood, Nancy went with the BLACK dress. And we WONDER why the terrorists hate us?

8:19: Brad/Angelina cutaway tally -- 4

8:24: Libby disputes that Naomi Watts' looks are completely natural. "If I had a team, I could look like that too," she says. No. No, honey. You couldn't.

8:25: "Naomi Watts is hawt," Tram says. TWO TO ONE, LIBBY!

8:26: Renee Zellweger is a little TOO enthusiastic about the HFPA, if you know what I mean. I think I know WHY she's won so many Golden Globes, for that matter.

8:27: Meryl Streep is surprised to learn she's been nominated for many Golden Globes. An old Australian man had to tell her.

8:28: Jessica Biel? Sean Combs? Everyone in this awards season can give up now -- there will be no more awkward and bizarre pairing.

8:29: Emily Blunt wins for a little-seen BBC movie. This is fine by me. Because now we get to stare at her at length.

8:31: Tram and I discuss the finer points of Katherine Heigl's performance in "Wish Upon a Star," which she describes as "like 'Freaky Friday' but with sisters." Then we discuss whether Bill Nighy and Bill Nye, the Science Guy are the same people (they're not).

8:32: Kiefer Sutherland is sitting by Jason Lee. Just wanted to note how odd that was.

8:33: Hugh Laurie draws a laugh from Libby -- which is quickly stifled by Tom Hanks, still sporting Da Vinci Hair.

8:35: Libby points out that the Globes have put the most intimidating people in front of the microphone, including the Spielbergs and Jack Nicholson.

8:35: These Access Hollywood interviews are not the value-add NBC thinks they are. As Cate Blanchett wanders through the background, Libby says, "I'll bet she has to take a dump."

8:37: Having watched tonight's 24, we are forced to turn to The Class. This is not pleasing to us.

8:40: Brad and Angelina cutaway tally -- 5

8:41: Did ANYone see Bobby? BESIDES Jonathan Rosenbaum?

8:44: John Lasseter is TOTALLY drunk.

8:45: Lasseter's wife kind of looks like Libby, who agrees with me that "He might be a LITTLE bit drunk." Tram thinks his tie looks horrendous.

8:46: Annette Bening is drunk too! "Annette Bening looks less like Clay Aiken now," Tram says.

8:46: Renee Zellweger is squinting so hard that her eyes have COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED.

8:47: Meryl Streep just took a long while to talk to Jack Nicholson's daughter while we all just wanted her to talk anyway. She immediately begins her speech with a rumination on a birthday party featuring snakes.

8:48: Seriously. Renee Zellweger's squint looks as though it may cause her pouty little face to FOLD IN ON ITSELF.

8:49: Tram highly doubts that the only man for Reese Witherspoon is me.

8:50: Meryl Streep demands that the audience go to theater managers and demand to see movies with scant distribution like Pan's Labyrinth and Little Children. Libby, who works at a movie theater, says, "I am gonna' f***in' kill Meryl Streep."

8:51: Brad/Angelina cutaway tally -- 6

8:54: Man, that Danny/Jordan relationship on Studio 60 is creepy.

8:55: I don't care. I still like Borat. And that subtitle, which is still great. "Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan." EVERY WORD of that is funny.

8:57: Libby informs me there's a rumor that Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz are lesbians. This strikes me as a positive development.

8:58: A lot of people say The Queen is a strong central Helen Mirren performance in search of an actual movie. Maybe so, but that goes doubly for Elizabeth I, the miniseries that was a little boring outside of Mirren. No Bleak House, HFPA? FOR SHAME.

8:59: "In a Premiere magazine interview, Salma Hayek reveals that she and Penelope like to make fun of people with tics in their spare time," Tram says. "Hawt."

8:59: Tom Hanks looks like a stroke victim.

9:00: Brad/Angelina cutaway tally -- 7 (though it sort of doesn't count as he was nominated for an award).

9:02: Steven Spielberg looks highly skeptical of Eddie Murphy. I'm just hoping he wins at the Oscars so the Norbit promotional campaign can get that added boost it needs.

9:07: "Sarah Jessica Parker reminds me more of Kathy Griffin every day," Tram says.

9:08: A friend was surprised to find out today that Devil Wears Prada got good reviews. I'm not sure I can blame her?

9:09: It appears that Reese Witherspoon is Jack Nicholson's date.

9:10: Another victory for Bill Nighy, the Science Guy. "I get that it's the Hollywood Foreign Press," Libby grouses, "but must they solely award foreigners?"

9:11: Sienna Miller's eyes are lifeless. This is the primary thing standing between her and attractiveness.

9:18: Cameron Diaz can't talk and/or read. It's hilarious!

9:19: None of us can figure out how Cameron Diaz just got less and LESS attractive as the years rolled on.

9:20: Hilary Swank has a flower in her hair. THIS SIGNIFIES THAT SHE'S A GIRL. No. Really.

9:20: Side note: If I win the best actor award at the Oscars, then have a sex change, can I then win the best actress award?

9:21: Someone in the audience agrees with Peter Morgan and says, "Yeah" loudly. Libby has decided to give up on the Brad/Angelina tally. She'd rather play Zoo Tycoon.

9:22: Alec Baldwin is hilarious. That's really all I've got. Here are a few Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock quotes: "What am I? A farmer?" "Those shoes are definitely bi-curious." "Ziggy from the cartoon Ziggy." "That's right. He's the rat king."

9:31: Ugly Betty wins the Globe for best comedy series. I know I should care more about the Globe TV awards, but I really just can't bring myself to do so. Still, here's hoping the show's Globe win gets it more viewers.

9:33: The cast members of Ugly Betty seem to really like each other, which is always nice. Then the creator spoke in Spanish and scared roughly two-thirds of America.

9:35: Okay. Djimon Honsou and Sharon Stone. THAT'S the new awkward match-up.

9:36: It's just wrong to have Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood in the foreign film category. I know it's technically Foreign LANGUAGE Film, but still.

9:38: After he quoted from her speech in jest, I hope Clint Eastwood/Jennifer Hudson is the next Hollywood feud.

9:38: WHY DO THEY KEEP CUTTING TO TOM HANKS?!

9:44: Now Jeremy Irons is drunk. "Regally entertaining" is the phrase he uses to describe The Queen. "Regally entertaining," says Libby. "Is that a thing? It doesn't strike me as a thing."

9:46: Tram and I agree on the general excellenceness of Alexandre DeSplat and the long, slow slide of Hugh Grant into obscurity. They've got him presenting ORIGINAL SCORE! That's a long way down the Globes totem pole. It's like Sound Effects Editing at the Oscars.

9:48: And now Alexandre DeSplat is talking. America says, "Get off the stage, Frenchie!" Indeed, Libby says, "I'd just like to point out -- this is another foreigner."

9:50: America Fererra's win pleases us all. I think they should make an America Fererra small enough to carry around in a handbag, so you could take her out at opportune moments and everyone could say, "OOOH!" and "AAAH!" and "Watch her dance! She's so darling!"

9:52: The Housewives -- snubbed again. But Teri Hatcher shall have her revenge! Oh yes, she shall.

9:53: America Fererra stands around awkwardly, then gets asked about the long casting process for Ugly Betty which almost resulted in someone else being cast. Thanks for these nuggets of info, Access Hollywood.

9:58: Lifetime Achievement Award. We won't be blogging this on general principle. Tom Hanks is scary, and who cares about Warren Beatty?

10:21: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back. Libby is displeased that Dustin Hoffman has come out. She's getting loopy, due to the length of the show and its general boringness. "He's CRAZY!" she says, sounding a little like she's going to leap to her death from the top of the Empire State Building. "EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S CRAZY!"

10:22: Tram likes Dustin Hoffman's Ishtar shoutout. And he really, really, really has turned into a crazy old man.

10:23: Seriously. Little Miss Sunshine. When did it become everyone's religion?

10:24: The camera catches Clint Eastwood with his mouth hanging open. He quickly corrects this error.

10:24: Libby works up a good, clappin' fervor for Martin Scorsese's win for The Departed. It looks as though Babel's going to get shut out! (And, yes, I know how this ends.)

10:25: Libby is unhappy that Martin Scorsese is talking about films she's never seen and how he likes to restore them. If. . .you know what I mean.

10:27: Martin Scorsese talks quicker than most of the characters on Gilmore Girls.

10:28: I feel strongly about Reese Witherspoon. And even more strongly about them making her read the ENTIRE Borat title.

10:29: Well, Sacha Baron Cohen worked "anus" and "testicles" into his speech. So I guess he wins speech of the night by default.

10:31: Okay. That was actually pretty funny.

10:36: Dane Cook?! I have yet to find anyone who finds him funny. And what does he have to do with Thank You for Smoking?

10:37: WOW they're rushing this. I'll bet they wish they had cut some of the awkward Access Hollywood interviews and/or Warren Beatty now!

10:38: Bill Condon looks like a leprechaun that was genetically fused with Mr. Clean.

10:42: The local news is promoting a story about what happened to a man when his cell phone exploded. Now that's going to get me to tune in.

10:43: Well, good for Grey's Anatomy. Let's see if they can get them offstage in the 20 seconds the guy-whose-mic-was-not-turned-off insisted upon.

10:45: Choose the best joke. Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like a.) Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren (Libby); b.) a 1970s direct-to-video gay porn star (Todd); c.) actually he looks a lot better than Mike Holmgren and I don't want to imagine him in a porn (Tram).

10:47: Helen Mirren was a fox back in the day. Scarlett crossed with Gwyneth. And she's still got it! Rowr. Caligula.

10:52: Are you on the list? I'm guessing I'm not.

10:52: Two awards to present in eight minutes. They're not gonna make it.

10:54: Forest Whitaker wins, and a random white girl jumps up in the background in celebration. Whitaker just keeps saying "Wow" over and over.

10:55: I mean, he was okay in Last King of Scotland, but this? No.

10:56: Well, at least he remembered to thank God. For helping him play a bloodthirsty dictator. Yeah.

10:58: Hey! Little Children didn't get a clip package! I didn't like it that much, but shouldn't we play fair?

11:00: It's the governor. The stars all look at the camera and cheer ironically.

11:01: Schwarzenegger takes SO LONG to open the envelope. And then he says, "BAAAAAHHHBEEEELLLLLL." Libby gets very upset. "That was a f***ing pile of s*** movie. It may be worse than Crash." Well, I wouldn't say THAT.

All right. Let's never speak of this again.

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