Wednesday, March 21, 2007

"I spit when I do it!": American Idol

by Libby

Let's make this short and sweet, just like these tedious AI episodes ain't. Tonight was music from the British Invasion, which was a big improvement over the Diana Ross suckfest of last week, but really, is that saying much?

1: Haley - "Tell Him": Let me start by saying this: if you come across as too weak-voiced in practice, you aren't any good. That said, let's hear it for Haley for prancing around stage in hooker heels, short-shorts and no bra, because really, isn't that what American Idol is REALLY all about? Evidently, Haley is unaware that in addition to working the room, it would be good if she gave two craps about what she was singing. As usual, I am in the minority, as the judges find this hoochie's song a big improvement over what she usually serves up. Great example for today's young girls: if at first you don't succeed, try dressing like a whore.

2: Chris R. - "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying": Blah. Chris Richardson is evidently never weaker than when he's slow jammin'. I couldn't help but notice how much LESS charisma he has than, say, Justin Timberlake and kept hoping he'd break out into something vaguely entertaining. This was just not special at all, but, that being said, his soulful gazes into the camera will keep him here for weeks more, regardless of how he sings. Again, the judges think this stuff is just solid gold, leading me to believe there's something VERY SPECIAL served in their brand spanking new coke cups.

3: Stephanie - "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me": Meh. If I hear someone compare Stephanie Edwards to Beyonce Knowles one more time, I'm going to puke. Let me lay it down for you people: Stephanie sounds like other people because she is a remarkable mimic but tonight evidenced what happens when she isn't familiar with the source work: She sucks. Edwards seems to have some very serious sincerity issues, as everything she does seems heavily rehearsed and stagey. The judges see flaws in the performance but, again, are far kinder than proper.

4: Blake - "Time of the Season": Blake Lewis had a very odd performance tonight. I still enjoyed it, as I enjoy all of Lewis' performances, but I had some very mixed feelings about it. I like where Blake was going with the song -- it was very sultry and modernized -- but I couldn't help but notice that it wasn't a great fit for his range. He seemed off beat several times, and I just don't know how America will take this. However, infinite points for again being different from everyone else and at least trying as opposed to just shaking his ass. For once, the judges were far more sold on Lewis' song than I was, and I can't help but worry a bit for him come tomorrow night.

5: LaKisha - "Diamonds Are Forever": I keep waiting for the moment for LaKisha to prove me wrong as a hater, but tonight I'm still waiting. Jones' rendition of the James Bond theme was not only lackluster but, in my opinion, completely ordinary. Beyond that, Jones just cannot figure out how to work the wardrobe department. She needs to start seriously studying how Jordin and Melinda dress from week to week, as they consistently out-class her -- if not in song, then in style. The judges were vague as well, but is there any question of Jones' safety? I thought not.

6: Phil - "Tobacco Road": Here are my exact notes through this performance ... "He can't dance ... why does he have the entire mic stand with him? ... what the heck is all over his shirt!? ... WHY AM I DISTRACTED BY ALL OF THIS???" So, as you can see, despite how well Phil did tonight, there is just something not appealing about even his best performances. At least this week, he was solid for the entire song, and the judges seem to agree.

7: Jordin - "I Who Have Nothing": After this performance by Jordin Sparks, I'm feeling pretty good about my vague prediction from last week. This girl can sell what she sings and is able to channel emotions that no 17-year-old could possibly be familiar with. I particularly loved the parallels between this song and LaKisha's, but that's just me paying far too much attention. Also, major props for not feeling the need to meander around stage. Sometimes it's okay to stand your ground and just sing. And the judges rave.

8: Sanjaya - "You Really Got Me": *sighs* This was bound to happen. Sanjaya finally did something halfway different, straining valiently towards gritty, and that'll be enough to secure him for several more weeks. Man! And then he went and hugged a little girl. The grandma groupies must have been sobbing by that point. GREAT! THANKS AMERICA!

9: Gina - "Paint It Black": I like this song. A lot. So ... she didn't ruin it. It wasn't great, but she's trying, right? Ehh ... I just don't know what to say. At this point, Gina knows she needs to "play the rocker" to stay in the game, regardless of whether she wants to or not, and this was the right song choice. But maybe her run has ended. After all, you need to pick a song you can actually sing, or you're SOL. The judges are not enthralled, and really, who can blame them?

10: Chris S. - "She's Not There": At least he listens to instructions. The glasses are back, and this week, he ... enters from the audience? Eh, okay. Honestly, I'm over Chris Sligh. Really, right now, he just seems desperate to stay on the show, and everything rings as unbelievable, even inexplicable at times. Everything he does seems as though he's going through the motions of what he thinks he SHOULD be doing. In short, Sligh is thinking too much, and it may just send him home.

11: Melinda - "As Long as He Needs Me": What else to say? Even with just an okay song performance, Melinda Doolittle is just in a class of her own. Something bad is coming though. America will turn on her eventually, and it will be swift and horrible. *sighs* It is inevitable.

So tonight was better at least, if not fabulous. Ryan and Simon seem to have kept their Lockhorns-esque banter to a minimum, but honestly, I just TiVo through most of that crap anyway, so, who knows?

Tonight's winner: Jordin Sparks
Tonight's loser: Sanjaya Malakar (still ...)
Tomorrow's loser: Gina Glocksen


Daniel said...

That whole thing with Sanjaya and the girl (who looked like Amy Poehler in an SNL sketch) was probably one of the most awkward/surreal displays I have ever seen on live TV.

Todd VanDerWerff said...


The Lockhorns link links to a picture of Jordin. Sorry, everybody! I'll fix it later, but for now, go here to experience the wonder of Lockhorns.

Libby said...

Link fixed.
What was that little girl's deal, anyway ... I kept worrying she was, like, a make-a-wish child, so I wasn't sure I should even mention her!

Daniel said...

That's why you have to keep one heartless person around at all times! :D

Libby said...

Libby Hill: Making fun of the disabled and disadvantaged since 1981.

Todd VanDerWerff said...

From Wikipedia's Lockhorns page:

"Bill Hoest died in 1988, but Bunny continued the strip with the help of her good friend John Reiner."

Yeah. With a name like Bunny, I'LL BET he was her good friend.

Also, there's a section entitled "Why no divorce?"


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