Saturday, March 24, 2007

Trailer Curmudgeons, Vol. 5: Summer movies (plus four others)

Did you miss us? Of course you didn't. In order of release date, then.

Firehouse Dog (April 4)



See it in Quicktime.

Todd: Somehow, the world's most famous dog falls out of a plane and ends up as a firehouse dog (hence, the title). He also meets a little boy and everyone learns a little something about courage and friendship and what-not. I think I saw this in a Disney movie once, except that was about a raccoon who got stuck in a house that someone was moving cross-country or something. So it's really not like this at all. I just wanted to bring it up in case anyone knows what that movie was so I can someday subject my children to it.

Libby: No one knows the world's most-famous dog, unless he's wearing his tuxedo. Ergo, every dog in a tuxedo is famous.

(Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the Heisenberg Principle.)

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters (April 13)




Watch it in Quicktime.

Todd: What the hell movies do they SHOW this in front of? I can't imagine any audience for, say, Wild Hogs seeing this and 99% of said audience not being completely BAFFLED by it. "Why are the French fries talking, Todd?" That's what my mom would say if she had seen this trailer. And now she will.

Libby: I'm so glad I'm quitting my theater job so I don't have to answer people who say, "What's THAT movie about?"

Bonus ATHF video!



The Nanny Diaries (April 20)



Quicktime.

Todd:
Man, Scarlett Johansson rocks the Martha Washington ensemble. Other than the fact that I will get to see her in panties in this movie, I see no real reason to see it, even if it is (weirdly) from the directors of the very indie, very funky American Splendor (yeah, I know?!). But MAN, she's hot. Yeah, I'll probably see this too.

Libby: When people watching your trailer are fondly remembering the experience they had watching The Devil Wears Prada, you may have a problem.

Year of the Dog (Spring 2007)



Quicktime.

Todd:
So we mostly just picked this so we could get to 20 trailers, but it turned out to be oddly charming (and if you haven't guessed yet -- you will soon -- the theme of this post is "Movies with cute animals Libby likes"). Future Aquaman John C. Reilly does his best with lines like, "These are my knives!" and Molly Shannon is an engaging lead. Plus, lots and lots of dogs!

Libby:
I need a house so then I can have, like, 50 puppies in my house.

Spider-Man 3 (May 4)



Quicktime.

Todd: There's actually supposed to be another, newer trailer for this, but I couldn't find it, so you get this older one. Honestly, even though the second movie (with its whole "Spiderman-as-Job" plotline) was pretty awesome, this one seems a little overstuffed. Spider-Man AND Evil Spider-Man AND MJ AND Hobgoblin AND Sandman AND Venom AND Gwen Stacy AND Aunt May AND a special cameo by Robert Townsend as The Meteor Man (and typing this sentence, obscure '90s movie reference aside, made me feel like the biggest geek ever)? I don't see how they make this "let's throw in all of the other Spider-Man plotlines that we didn't get to in the first two" concept work in one movie, but you'd better believe I'll be there opening weekend.

Libby: "A man has to put his wife before everything else," says Aunt May. Are you LISTENING, TODD?

Nancy Drew (May 15)



(This comes from something called "nothing but emma xx." Opines Libby, "It's only two x's because she's underage.")

Quicktime.

Todd: I'm so glad that someone crossed the evergreen teen detective series from the many pens that make up the nom de plume Carolyn Keene with my favorite movie of all time, The Brady Bunch Movie. What's more, this movie has a little fat kid, and there's nothing more fun than a little fat kid, as The Adventures of Pete and Pete proved. Also, for Libby's sake, I'm glad at least ONE Roberts has a movie coming out this summer.

Libby: One of us has read every Nancy Drew book. Guess who?

Shrek the Third (May 18)



Quicktime.

Todd: So. The first Shrek was kind of fun. Then the second Shrek came out, had exactly two good jokes and made more money than any other animated film in the U.S. and Canada. Inexplicably! Do you ever run into people who say, "Oh, I just LOVED Shrek 2!" Because I never do! And look! All of your favorite, one-joke characters are back for this installment, everyone! And they've added MORE one-joke characters! And absolutely none of them are funny! What? "Totally ew-eth." That's supposed to be FUNNY? I hate you, America.

Libby: Go, Shrek 3, because nothing is as funny as Todd's rage!

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (May 25)



Quicktime.

Todd: So I rather famously hated the second Pirates. But what I hated most of all about it is that it seemed like a trailer for Pirates 3. And now that there's an ACTUAL trailer for Pirates 3, it's as though the creative team decided that it was probably well-nigh on about time they started telling the story they spent over $600 million to make. Pretty much, from this trailer, it seems like movie two only explained who Davy Jones is and how Jack Sparrow died (OMG, SPOILERS?!), so you could probably just watch movie one and movie three and get the whole experience anyway. Still. Giant waterfalls! Whirlpool gun battles! Sword fights! The monkey! Yeah, I'm back in for this one.

Libby: It's like "Star Wars" but with Pirates!

Eagle Vs. Shark (June 1)



Quicktime.

Todd: Hey! This is just a quirky foreign comedy! It's not about an eagle vs. a shark at all!

Libby: I feel that there is a lot of eagle vs. shark conflict that was left out of this film. I think that this film had the potential for greatness, and instead, it's like crappy New Zealand Napoleon Dynamite, when it could have been an eagle fighting a shark.

Knocked Up (June 1)



Quicktime.

Todd:
After a month that features the third movies in three of the biggest movie series ever, Universal is betting that what you'll really want is a reunion of what looks to be the complete cast of Freaks and Geeks, minus Linda Cardellini, but plus Paul Rudd and Katherine Heigl (and while her contract dispute with ABC is ridiculous, I think after this movie she can throw all the snit fits she wants). I liked 40-Year-Old Virgin, but I wasn't in love with it, but still, I DO want to see the complete cast of Freaks and Geeks -- I do, I do! And after the rave reviews from SXSW, I think movie theaters across America won't know what hit them.

Libby: I have nothing snarky to say! I just really want to see this!

(Caution: The following is not safe for work or my mom.)



(Oh and Wash! Wash!!!)

Ocean's 13 (June 8)



Quicktime.

Todd: I seem to be the only person in America who preferred the completely daft Ocean's 12 to the "look at our plot!" machinations of Ocean's 11, so I'm a little glum that it appears they've gone back to doing heists in Vegas in this one. Still, I laughed a lot at all of the actors wearing ridiculous costumes, so they're doing something right. And Al Pacino!

Libby:
They're just all so pretty!

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (June 15)



Quicktime.

Todd: If this movie is about how the Silver Surfer systematically kills all four members of the Fantastic Four by dragging them into space, then I will definitely see it.

Libby: If I have to see this movie, I will kill myself.

(But she liked the first one so much!)

Evan Almighty (June 22)




Quicktime.

Todd: This trailer is sort of cheating, since its best joke is also pretty much the only good joke in the movie's prequel, Bruce Almighty. But, actually, I got a few chuckles out of this, as opposed to the no chuckles I got out of the first one, and I love Lauren Graham, Steve Carell, John Goodman and Wanda Sykes (in roughly that order), and Morgan Freeman continues his quest to play every Magical Black Man ever with his return in the part of God. Plus, bonus: No borderline blasphemous premise!

Libby: Michael Scott and Lorelai Gilmore would have funny kids. And by funny, I mean annoying.

Live Free or Die Hard (June 29)



Quicktime.

Todd: The quest to resurrect every '80s action hero and give them all sons (a trend that will reach its apotheosis next summer with SHIA LEBEOUF as the son of INDIANA JONES -- Mr. Spielberg, just. . .no) continues here as Justin Long sits alongside Bruce Willis' wisecrackin' superhero in the fourth Die Hard. The first Die Hard was a pretty great distillation of everything that makes the action genre so fun to watch. This just looks overblown. Plus, it has a ridiculous title, reflecting the nation's current fascination with all things New Hampshire.

Libby: So I was watchin' this show the other day, and the guy in it was really charismatic and attractive -- I think it was called Moonlighting -- anyway, the guy in it has the same name as the guy in this movie! That's weird. They probably made that guy change his name.

Ratatouille (June 29)


(OK. Only Disney has this trailer right now, so go here. In the meantime, here's Brad Bird talking about the movie.)



Todd: I still don't know which kids are going to go see this (a rat who wants to be a famous Parisian chef? that sounds like a bad Sundance movie!), but it looks great. Brad Bird's a phenomenal director of animation, and it looks like he's somehow crafted a movie about talking rats, great cooking and romance. Finally, a movie you can enjoy with that creepy lady at the pet store! (You know. The one who always says that a rat would make a great pet. Every pet store's got one.)

Libby: Rat! Rat rat rat rat rat rat! Rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat! He is so cute! Yay!

Transformers (July 4)



Quicktime.

(Okay, the Quicktime trailer is totally different. Just checking to see if you were paying attention.)

Todd: When I was a child, I was totally in to Transformers. All of my friends had the action figures, even my friends at the deeply fundamentalist church I went to (since Transformers were only robots and didn't use any magic and had no souls, I guess they were OK). But I didn't get to have any Transformers because my parents said they were too expensive. Instead, I got GO-BOTS. And I only got ONE Go-Bot. I was told it was a kind of Transformer until Jonathan Wunder came over and made fun of me for having a Go-Bot and not a Transformer. Shattered, I hid my Go-Bot at the bottom of the toy chest and returned to having my stuffed animals have elaborate pretend adventures and complicated family trees.

I will see this movie 500 times to spite my mother.

Libby: At least there will never be a Go-Bot movie.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 13)



Quicktime.

Todd: First, everyone take a moment to pity your poor local theater employees, who will have to put up with all of the movies mentioned in this thread, PLUS The Bourne Ultimatum. They're going to be swarmed by teenage boys, breathing through their mouths, ordering popcorn, reducing the theater employees to tears (before they, too, go see all of these movies). They should just be thanking God that Narnia slipped to 2008. Anyway, seeing Harry Potter movies seems almost obligatory at this point, but this has a nice, dark look to it, and the book was one of my favorites. Plus, the final book will be coming out eight days later, so we'll all pretty much be required to see this by law. And who doesn't want to see the directorial debut of "State of Play" director David Yates!? Most of America, judging by the way Libby is looking to and fro, as though this were the first time she had heard of him.

Libby: Is that that guy that did the show about the politics that you tried to make me watch?

Todd: No.

Libby:
Oh.

The Simpsons Movie (July 27)



Quicktime.

Todd: Grandpa's reading Oatmeal Enthusiast! Bart's nether-regions are no bigger than a common French fry! Homer is gently blowing raspberries on the belly of a pig! And they even worked in a Gabbo reference! Sure, the opening gag is ripped off from the South Park movie trailer and the show hasn't been very good in a few seasons, but they've reunited the writing team from the seasons three through eight glory years, and it looks like they've mostly succeeded. I can't tell what movie will encompass all of these seemingly random plot points, but, as a good one-time teenager of the '90s, I'm definitely going to find out.

Libby: They forgot Sea Cap'n. And what about Jasper? EVERYBODY FORGETS JASPER!

Underdog (August 3)



Quicktime.

Todd: One nation under dog? That's the best you could do Disney? And for a movie that has Amy Adams in it, this trailer has a conspicuous LACK of Amy Adams. Disney, if you knew what was good for you, you could get a comment full of Amy Adams Amy Adams Amy Adams, etc. But since you suck, you only get FIVE. Still, the dog flies around. I'm sure Libby will love this. I just can't wait for Jason Lee in the live-action Chipmunks movie (coming this holiday season!).

Libby: You remember how good Jason Lee was in The Incredibles? This was like, Earl gets transformed into a dog. Which, coincidentally, would be a pretty good episode.

Fred Claus (Christmas 2007)



Quicktime.

Todd: This continues the trend of "Vince Vaughn is in our movie, so let's just let him talk through the trailer" trailers. It got The Break-Up to over $100 million, inexplicably, and this has a better premise AND Paul Giamatti. Still, most of the talking here isn't all that funny, until Paul Giamatti starts talking about how dogs can't fly and then threatens to give Vince a wet willy (in full Santa regalia, no less). As a certified Christmas nut (seriously, Libby and David fear for my sanity), I was just happy to hear a little "Let It Snow" in the trailer's opening moments (YAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYA CHJRISTMASHGHAH!H!H!H).

Libby: Uhhhhhhh. . .yay, Christmas?

1 comment:

David Sims said...

You weren't in love with 40YOV? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF DRIBBLING MORON!?