Wednesday, May 02, 2007

"Our three needy children.": American Idol

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Well, the fundraising is over, but the self-congratulation's just beginning. Lovely.
Thankfully however, we had some awesome tunes to distract from the Idol's inflated sense of self-worth. Except, yeah. Tonight was Jon Bon Jovi night, so ...

Sorry, Carolyn, we'll always have The Boss. That being said, tonight wasn't as horrible as I was anticipating, so, there's something to be said for that.

Up first:

1. Phil Stacey - "Blaze of Glory": Wow. Eh. This was not sucky. In fact, this was decidedly not bad. I am disturbed. While I have long stated that Stacey has the best voice of the remaining men, well, HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THIS GUY?! I'm sorry, that was cruel ... but seriously people ... Okay, beyond that Phil Stacey picked a great song and sang it well. Honestly, he's peaking at the right time, so good luck to him.

2. Jordin Sparks - "Living on a Prayer": Okay, yeah, now that performance just sucked all the air out of the room. I thought this girl could do no wrong, though, yeah, this was unpleasant. Don't get my wrong, I think she handled herself with aplomb in the face of criticism plus, with the sheer number of votes she had to have raked in last week, she could have set an American Flag on fire and pranced around the stage while ululating and she'd be back next week. So, you know, six of one, half dozen of another.

3. LaKisha Jones - "This Ain't a Love Song": Well-played, LaKisha. The girl found the one torch song in the JBJ ouevre and belted it for all she was worth. However, the writing may already be on the wall from last week, as there's no way the votes of this week will be enough to change the decisions made during Celebrity Whorefest 2007. See: above.

Before I get to the next performance, I feel the need to give a little background information. I've been informed by management that no one watches "How I Met Your Mother" on CBS, so you've all missed out on some seminal television. Shame on you. I'm going to take this opportunity to share this clip with you, which breaks down a fundamental societal truth:



With no further ado, I give you:

4. Blake Lewis - "You Give Love a Bad Name": After weeks of showing America that he can (kind of?) compete with the singers in this competition, Lewis returned to what makes him truly special among these remaining contestants. Lewis went out on a limb this week (or for him, returned to form) and decided to strip down this JBJ classic, remix it and beatbox his little heart out, making this easily one of the most entertaining things I've seen on the show in my limited experience. Also, he dyed his hair tonight to sort of a chestnut brown color, which I liked until I realized who he reminded me of. See? Weird.

5. Chris Richardson - "Wanted: Dead or Alive": Well, if I have to choose, then dead. Easily. Gah. I'm sick of himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and he would have been gone last week if not for the stupid lovefest so then I had to listen to him singagainandhedoesn'tevenbotherlearningthewordsandijusthatehimsomuchand
GODWOULDSOMEONEPLEASEJUSTENDTHISHORRIBLECHARADENOW!?

So, yeah. He sucks.

6. Melinda Doolittle - "Have a Nice Day": I'd tell you about the version of this song that my cats have, but you wouldn't get it. So instead, let me just ask you this: Is there anything Melinda Doolittle can't do? I can't wait for her to be the next American Idol. Or for her to be eliminated, causing me to throw a huge fit and give up reviewing this show. So, win/win, really.

And then, as though all of this mediocrity wasn't enough, I was forced to watch the president. THE PRESIDENT. He got on television and thanked people for donating money to disadvantaged children in Africa and America. Was anyone else struck by the irony of the fact that he was doing this? I mean, honestly, we'd have a lot fewer disadvantaged children in America and the rest of the world if not for his absolute disaster of a presidency. Think of all the homeless and displaced children in New Orleans, their lives forever imprinted by slow reaction times and indecision. But he was there to thank AI's viewers. Lovely. Mission accomplished, American Idol (and ironically timed to boot! -- ed.). Disgust critical mass reached.

Ugh.

End political rantings and ravings. (See, we don't normally do this at SDD, but when the president goes on one of the shows we cover, all bets are off! SEE YOU ON GILMORE GIRLS, CHENEY! -- ed.)

Tonight's winner: Melinda Doolittle
Tonight's loser: Jordin Sparks
Special loser runner-up: George W. Bush
Tomorrow's loserS!: Chris Richardson and LaKisha Jones

2 comments:

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