Friday, July 27, 2007

"Barney's a fictional dinosaur character. I don't think he has a sexual preference.": Big Brother

[Thanks for taking the reins last week, Justin! I hope no one noticed how much better your recap was than mine usually are, you talented bastard. -C]

It's the end of week three in the Big Brother house, or as Dick would like us to think of it, "The House That Dick Built, and No One Can Ever Challenge Him, Especially a Woman, Because He is the All-Knowing Master." Dick is a bully.

In the aftermath of Joe's eviction, Kail realizes she cast the only vote to keep him in the house and sees the writing on the wall. What does it say? I can't be sure but "You're screwed (and also a bigot)" is my best guess. She blames her crumbling alliance on the weak-willed men she chose to align with, but I'm pretty positive Kail sealed her own fate by creating the dreaded Mrs. Robinson on the first day in the house without getting to know her houseguests first. Rookie mistake, Kail. She immediately sidles up to Dick and starts negotiating for her life, using the "no one likes me" defense. After Dr. Will's domination of the game using this strategy in two separate seasons, I really doubt that's going to work, sweetie. Nice try, though.

Remember the live feed clip I put up a few weeks ago about Nick's Top 5? Well, the producers must have been low on "comedy" this week because it finally pops up. Nick would like America to know that he is not homophobic and is comfortable with his sexuality, especially the part where he likes to have sex with both men and women. Oops, did I say that out loud? Sorry. (I actually really appreciate this viewpoint and wish more alpha males would be like him. Good on ya, Nick!) Also, you know what I would be comfortable with? If he would shave that horrible sleazestache and soul patch thing he's got working. Yuck.

After a stupid food competition called "Mission ImPastaBowl" that I refuse to recap, it's time for Dustin to give Kail a lesson on Being Gay. It's too bad Kail is beyond hope, because Dustin is really sweet about helping to broaden her horizons a bit. This enlightened quote from Kail tells you all you need to know about how the lesson went: "I don't think I'll ever be good at spotting a gay guy just because I don't look for that. Unless they are going to be wearing their full makeup, then it's a giveaway." Yeah.

At the nomination ceremony, to no one's surprise Dick nominates Kail and Jen. He is very specific in stating his goal: to get Kail out of the house. This is probably because he knows saying things like that to Kail's face might make her cower in fear and/or cry, and he loves it when people are afraid of him. Jen is an emotional robot and wouldn't give hi the satisfaction of a reaction, therefore she is no good to him.

After the nomination ceremony Kail goes into total self-preservation mode, selling out the Mrs. Robinson alliance (which Dick already knew about) and telling him anything and everything in the hope he will keep her over Jen. She even calls out Jen as wanting to get rid of Daniele. Dick wants none of it and calls out her pathetic attempts at manipulation. I have to say, as much as I hate Dick I do like how he tells you to your face when you're being an idiot rather than just gossiping about it behind your back. It's too bad he says it in such a hurtful way most of the time.

America tells Eric to vandalize Jen's property. American then yawns, finally accepting the stupidity of this America's Player "twist."

While the houseguests prepare for the veto competition, Dick takes this opportunity to yell some more, this time at Jen. He tells her that Kail is trying to "send her under the bus' by campaigning against Jen. Um, Dick? That's kind of what you are supposed to do. Even Jen realizes how stupid Dick is being, and her response to this is along the lines of "whatever." Of course, Dick can't handle someone not bowing down to his enormous knowledge, and skulks away, threatening everyone in the house to throw the competition to him.

Oh, the veto ceremony of my nightmares. The houseguests are dressed like rejects from the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers "Don't Come Around Here No More" video. (That video totally gives me the heebie jeebies. I mean, they eat Alice! Shudder.) Each participant has to stand on a toadstool and balance a glass on their creepy top hat while the other houseguests heckle them. If the glass falls, they're out. Kail is out almost immediately, followed in quick succession by Zach, Nick and Jessica. When it gets down to just Dick and Jen, Dick tries out his Dick logic on her, telling her that Kail is out no matter what and she should just step down and give him the veto. Jen, who is quickly becoming one of my favorites by sheer process of douchebag elimination, tells him to suck it and stands her ground. Then things really start to get interesting when Mike (who?) decides to fight for Kail and tries to distract Dick into dropping his glass. Now, I respect that Mike will fight for Kail until the end but this really makes no sense for him, game-wise. He can't win the power of veto himself and Kail's already out, so best case scenario Jen wins and takes herself off, and Dick has to nominate someone else against Kail. Knowing Dick is a completely emotional, egotistical player Mike has to know he will be the target. Apparently integrity is more important than intelligence to our dear, mute Mike. As expected, Dick loses his shit, willingly takes himself out of the competition and promises to put Mike up. Both of them were idiots in that situation, methinks.

Later, Daniele and Dick fight again, some more. It's hard to watch, yet I can't look away. I know many people have issues with their fathers, but I especially feel for Daniele because most people's fathers aren't as awful as Dick. I can't imagine having to argue with him. It's like kicking yourself in the head repeatedly while someone stands over you and tells you you're doing it wrong.

At the veto ceremony, as expected Dick puts up Mike in Jen's place. Even though he vowed to get Kail out of the house at the beginning of his reign of terror, his poor little ego couldn't tolerate Mike's disobedience and now Mike is the main target. I can't bring myself to care about Mike's fate because he is so fucking boring. Soon, the entire house is gunning for Mike, except Eric, who has to try to swing the house back to Kail because America compels him to. He's actually pretty good at it, but so far this America's Player thing is one big bust. Producers, can't we have him try to make out with someone already?

On the live show, it's Learn Something New About Our Houseguests time, with this week's subjects being Daniele and Jen. Jen's is your typical "I'm not a dumb girl, I just play one on TV" reality show contestant lie. Daniele's, however, is magical. Her poor boyfriend Chris actually shows his humiliated face on national television and says Daniele is his "soulmate" (ew, Dawson Leery) and he trusts her. The whole time he looks like he just cut an onion and is two seconds from bawling. The lovely Big Brother editors intercut his loving declarations with footage of Nick and Daniele getting cozy and even possibly smooching under the covers. Poor Chris. Poor average-looking, nice guy Chris.

Enough of the soap opera, back to the game! In your typical anti-climactic live vote, Mike is evicted 7-2 with the only votes for him from Zach and Eric. As he leaves the house, Dick immediately jumps all over Jen, accusing her of voting for Mike to stay instead of Kail. He is such a hateful bully, you guys. Also, who cares if she voted for Mike to stay? You nominated her for eviction. You continually berate her. She's not in your alliance. Why does she have to do what you say? What a jerk.

This week's HoH competition is called "Know Your Fallen Houseguests," and it's one of the best they have ever done, because only one person can get a right answer each round and if you get it right you can knock someone else out. No stupid tiebreakers here! Eric totally dominates the competition, eliminating everyone not in his inner circle of Dustin/Jameka/Jessica until he finally takes a dive and pretty much gives the HoH to Dustin. Dustin is predictably happy, as am I because I am really interested to see who he nominates. I hope he sacks up and puts up Dick, but I have a feeling it's looking more like a Zach/Jen week.

Live feed clip of the week:

Apparently, the producers wake the houseguests up with music. One day they forgot to turn the feeds off first. George Lucas is gonna be PISSED.

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