Saturday, July 07, 2007

Trailer curmudgeons

(Well, we're back. We'll be catching up over the next few days, but for now, you get this!)

Hairspray (July 20)



Quicktime.

Todd: Somewhere deep inside of me, in the place where I bury my urges to put on a pink party dress and kill all humans, resides a little gay schizophrenic. Finally, Hollywood has made a movie for that little man. I will see this nine times.

Libby: I loathe John Travolta with the intensity of something intense, but I will see this because Nikki Blonsky is pretty much the most adorable thing I've ever seen ever.

Todd: And she got her start in Cold Stone? So, bonus points for that?


The Bourne Ultimatum (Aug. 3)




Get the Quicktime.

Todd: This is pretty standard-issue action stuff, mostly there to remind all of us, "Hey, you remember those movies you liked quite a bit? The ones that reminded you Matt Damon existed? Yeah. There's another one coming out." And also, apparently, to remind us of how thoroughly every other action movie has copied the Bourne aesthetic. Still, looks like they've loaded this up with fun action sequences (and even more disorienting car chases), so I guess we'll spend August reliving this one and listening to people complain about the camera work. (Side note: We can all join the search for Bourne on GOOGLE?! That's, um, completely unexpected.)

Libby: Feeling wordy tonight, eh?

Todd: Do you have anything to say about the trailer specifically, as opposed to my verbosity?

Libby: I am exactly as excited for this film as I was for all of the other sequels this summer, so, "Woo!"

Bratz: The Movie (Aug. 3)



Quicktime.

Todd: See, I would say that this is set in one of those "movie" high schools, where everyone is in a clique and no one ever talks to anyone outside of the clique and it makes you feel like you understand what's going to happen to you in high school when you're an 11-year-old girl, but they actually filmed this at the high school where some girl whose blog I read teaches, so I guess this is ultra-realistic. Also, why the hell is an elephant in this?

Libby: *a lot of uncomfortable moaning* *repeated self-administered blows to the head* Someday. They will link the downfall of our society to those dolls. Someday.

(Special SDD bonus Bratz video!)



Superbad (Aug. 17)



Quicktime.

Todd: Judd Apatow is my hero. And I love everyone in the cast. But I'm not looking forward to everyone running "McLovin" into the ground (I mean, dear God, it was David's MSN name for, like, a year, and I hadn't even seen the trailer!), just like they ran "Not!" "Show me the money!" "Do I make you horny?" and "Very nice!" into the ground.

...

Actually, in pretty much every one of those cases, it was my dad running the catchphrase into the ground. He actually SAID "Not!" the other night at dinner. WHO DOES THAT?! IT'S 2007!

Libby: McLovin, Todd! McLovin!

The Invasion (Aug. 17)



Quicktime.

Todd: Maybe I'm just a sucker for the Invasion of the Body Snatchers storyline (this is, what, the fourth time they've done this?), but I actually rather enjoyed the first two-thirds of this trailer (until it got all action movie-y). I really liked Oliver Hirschbegel's Downfall a few years ago, and this looks like a stylish way for him to make his Hollywood debut. (We just won't mention how they brought in the Wachowskis of all people to direct reshoots.) Anyway. Good cast (though I'm not a Kidman fan) and a good concept and an eerie trailer. This could be the horror hit every summer needs.

Libby: How can a movie go wrong with Jeffrey Wright as the "Knowledgeable Black Man"?

The Kingdom (Sept. 28)



Quicktime.

Todd: Finally, all of the people you're used to seeing on television for free are starring in a movie directed by a guy you USED to see on television for free with that guy who won an Oscar for Adaptation! Actually, I'll probably see this. Peter Berg is one of my favorite unheralded directors (Friday Night Lights, mostly), and it looks like he's done something vaguely Michael Mann-lite here. Also, Jennifer Garner is the ONLY actress who could sell giving a Tootsie Pop to some generic terrorist's child.

Libby: Who is Jason Bateman's agent? Between this, The Ex and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, who is selecting these films for him? Really?

American Gangster (Nov. 2)



Quicktime.

Todd: We never knew how lucky we had it. The Sopranos scared away all of the vague and generic gangster movies, forced them into hiding. Now, they see the coast is clear, and they're starting to sniff around the multiplex again. At least Ridley Scott will make things look purty and we can look forward to some truly awful accent work from Russell Crowe. Also, Chiwetel Ejiofor, one of SDD's favorite should-be leading men!

Libby: See, Ridley Scott understands the plight of a black man in America. That's what YOU don't understand.

Lions for Lambs (Nov. 9)



Quicktime.

Todd: Three disparate storylines, you say? And they're all going to be interconnected, you say? And they'll all circle around the same central issue, you say? By golly, that sounds like a recipe for some SERIOUS FILMMAKING. If I had known Traffic was going to lead to this many crappy movies, I wouldn't have reviewed it so kindly back in the day. I KNOW Robert Redford is due for another Oscar, Clint Eastwood-style, but PLEASE make it stop or give him a retroactive award for Quiz Show or something.

Libby: See, Todd, this is why America hates Hollywood.


The Golden Compass (Dec. 7)



Quicktime.

Todd: Hi! We're New Line Cinema. You may remember us from such fantasy epics as THE LORD OF THE RINGS. Do you recall that one? A lot of people sure liked it! It was called THE LORD OF THE RINGS. We didn't pay Peter Jackson sufficiently, and that's why we can't give you another chapter of THE LORD OF THE RINGS. So, we'll just keep saying THE LORD OF THE RINGS. Also, we will keep saying ALETHIOMETER, so you know how to pronounce it. ALETHIOMETER. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll see this opening day. It has armored bears in it. Awesome.

Libby: Dammit, New Line, don't you screw this up for me! Why are they taking every children's book I love and Lord of the Rings-ifying them? It just creates unrealistic expectations, and I can never bring myself to watch them!

Todd: I was particularly upset by the blatant insertion of the Nazgul into Charlotte's Web.

I Am Legend (Dec. 14)



Quicktime.

Todd: I Am Legend is one of those great SF/horror stories that hasn't really been done justice on the big screen despite numerous attempts (the best version is probably The Simpsons' The Homega Man). I can't really tell if this is the definitive version, but the screenplay's been bouncing around for so long and has attracted so many people that there HAS to be something to it, right? Also, with Will Smith and Johnny Depp involved, you know it's going to make a lot of money, at the very least.

Libby: I don't know the story behind this, and I'm not a huge Will Smith fan, but that trailer has me really anticipating this film. I know. I'm as shocked as anyone. No laughs here.

Because you've been so good and we've been gone so long, you get a BONUS TRAILER!

Wall-E (Summer 2008)



Quicktime.

Todd: I have my doubts that a largely silent robot who reminds people that their way of life is unsustainable is really going to be the thing to help Pixar top Finding Nemo at the box office, but I also doubted that Americans would warm to the idea of a French rat who loves cooking. I give up. Pixar can officially make absolutely anything adorable.

Libby: THE ROBOT IS CUDDLY AND THEN THERE'S A BLOCK OF GARBAGE AND IT'S CUDDLY TOO AND THEN HE'S LOOKING SAD AND IT'S ALL CRAZY!!! It's gonna be great!!!

There you have it, folks. We'll try not to be so scarce from now on!

2 comments:

Carrie said...

I just want to thank you for ruining my life forever by opening my eyes to that "bonus" Bratz video. I clicked on the YouTube link only to realize this was a FAN TRIBUTE video, which had like 80 "OMG! SO AWESUM! I LOVE BRATZZZZZ!!!11!!" comments.

I need to lie down now.

Emily Blake said...

I spoke to one of the producers of the Bratz movie on set and he said he chose our school specifically because it looks like a prison.

It's also only two years old, so it's kind of clean and pretty even though it's smack in the middle of the ghetto.

The kids at our school all think Bratz are kind of dumb, but we'll all go see it opening weekend anyway so we can cheer and point at the library.

Thanks for the shoutout.