Friday, August 31, 2007

"After I took my clothes off it was like, 'Oh, it’s a whole new me!'": Big Brother

If you don’t like Amber (which I’m assuming is 99.99% of our readers since it’s Amber) the past week in the Big Brother house was a bit of a double-edged sword. As fun as it was to watch Amber finally get her comeuppance, you still had to, you know, watch her. A lot. Amber’s teary stranglehold on America is over now, however, and let me just be the first second to say “Thank you, God. God bless you.”

Jen is gone, but the house is still feeling the effects of her parting words to Amber, “make sure you tell Jess.” Jessica is obviously particularly interested in their meaning. Amber relents and tells Jessica that Jen said Eric told her he has a girlfriend outside of the house. Jessica is a bit perturbed to hear this news because she hates cheaters. Don’t we all, Jess. Eric finds out about this and explains to Amber and then Jess the real situation: he has an on-again, off-again relationship with a girl outside of the house, but nothing more. How…boring.

Now that Jen is gone and Dick doesn’t have anyone to focus his negative energy on, his relationship with Daniele is starting to suffer. Instead of picking at Jen negatively, he starts picking at Daniele in what can be perceived as a positive manner – take your vitamins, make sure you eat, etc. – and it is driving Daniele crazy because the last thing she wants is to be parented by Dick. She’s sort of a brat about it, though, so any sympathy she might have gained goes right out the window. Dick tries to have a semi-adult conversation with her about it, but when she finally tells him what’s bothering her he immediately turns back into a child. Make no mistake about it, those two deserve each other.

In more amusing news, Amber apparently thinks she is going to be famous once she leaves the house. Just look at all of the examples of famous former reality contestants she has as role models! Jameka insanely strokes Amber’s ego by saying she will be on magazine covers, which causes Amber to pontificate on how she could totally be on America’s Next Top Model. She has the hair, the face, and the personality, you see. You just know the first thing Tyra would do is shave Amber’s head to make her cry. Amber’s real post-house life: cut to six months from now, when Amber’s back in Las Vegas doing the “former reality star” circuit at the Bunny Ranch. I know, that’s harsh but…she is so delusional. I can’t help myself.

Jessica talks about splitting up Dick and Daniele (and SHOULD split up Dick and Daniele), but Jess just wasn’t cut out to play this game ruthlessly and nominates non-threats Zach and Amber, who both promised they would be on her side. Oh, Jessica. Amber and Jameka are convinced Daniele is the true target, even though last week they made the astute observation that Jessica and Eric have a final four deal with Dick and Daniele. Where that knowledge went, I don’t know. Maybe the reason Amber is so stupid is that when she cries, brain matter leaks out in her tears! It would explain so much.

The Gregorian chants of “it’s time for the producers to make fun of Jameka’s religion” start up, and we see Jameka praying alone in the HoH room. You know, at first I thought the church music soundtrack they give Jameka was amusing, but now I just find it offensive. She’s praying alone, not preaching to other people. Leave her be, show. Jessica hilariously comes in and thinks something is wrong with Jameka because she is crying while praying, and Jameka assures her she’s OK. Jessica comforts Jameka’s prayer tears. Okay, I admit that part was little funny.

The houseguests get to see a video package showing how Amber and Daniele did on Power of 10. Even though I said I wouldn’t last week, I couldn’t help myself and watched the episode. I was flabbergasted that Amber kicked Daniele’s ass so thoroughly, and overjoyed that she ended up only going home with $1000. My favorite part was when Amber started crying before anything even happened and Drew Carey said, “Amber, let me just ask you: is being in the Big Brother house getting to you?” Ha! The houseguests are similarly surprised that Amber won so handily and obviously happy she didn’t win a significant prize. Also, Daniele finds out Nick would have been her helper had she gone to the final round and immediately starts crying, and at home Daniele’s boyfriend Kris finally gives up and throws his TV out the window.

What happens next is strangely uncomfortable for me to watch. Eric awkwardly starts put the moves on Jessica and they end up making out. After they kiss for the first time Jessica says, “It’s about time!” which absolutely floored me. I had no idea she had honest interest in him. She’s always so standoffish! More macking ensues, and I obviously find Eric grosser than I realize because I can barely watch. Maybe it’s my longstanding fear of night vision that makes it squicky. I don’t know. Even grosser is later, when Eric has to kiss Jessica for an America’s Player task and makes a big production of it instead of being a normal person and kissing her in a realistic, casual manner. Eric was not lying: he really has no game. I’m guessing Jessica is not going to be thrilled when she's watching these tapes at home and sees him kissing her for money.

The veto competition is some sort of musical chairs race where a Cheshire cat that sounds like Barry White gives you an answer and you have to find a rat that has a riddle on it that matches the answer. The last person to find the correct rat each round is out. Wow, that sounds really stupid when you explain it in writing. Eric wins, and both Zach and Amber separately approach him with pleas for removing them from the block. Zach has a reasonable plan to get rid of either Dick or Daniele, but all Amber brings to the table is begging and an insistence that she wants to stay in the house. Jessica clearly wants Eric to use the veto and take Amber off so she can put up Daniele in her place, but Eric’s hidden America’s Player agenda rears its ugly head again and he decides not to use the veto. Amber, wearing a top that makes her look like a circus tent at Ohio State University’s “carnival freak week" fraternity event, diary rooms how Eric is “evil” and “selfish” because he didn’t use the veto on her. I’m sure she would have used it on him, right Amber?

Now it’s time for the live show, which I had to watch online this morning since it was pre-empted in Los Angeles for a preseason football game. Instead of airing the episode in the middle of the night like most markets, when that happens here they show it on KCAL and my Tivo doesn’t pick up on it. So, while I was trying to catch up with some quality programming (The Wire Season 3, which is awesome) my Tivo was happily recording reruns of The Office and 30 Rock and not Big Brother like I thought it was. Sigh. Have any of you used CBS’s online viewer, Innertube? It is terrible. Innertube can kiss my ass.

On the live show, we learn that Jessica thinks she made the wrong move putting up people who care about her and not people who don’t like Dick and Daniele. Eric “comforts” her by pulling the “Amber doesn’t like you, either” card out of his back pocket. What a sweetie, that Eric. When he leaves, Jameka and Amber start getting in Jessica’s head about Eric being shady, saying that he never wins HoH (they finally noticed!) because he doesn’t want the show to give him pictures of his girlfriend and out the relationship to Jessica. I love how they are always right about the things Eric does but so, so wrong about why. Amber says she can tell Eric is manipulating Jessica because she manipulated her boyfriend for three years and just like con men, can tell another one when she sees one. Jessica nods her head and agrees. Jessica: Amber is manipulating you RIGHT NOW. Jess later spills everything they said to Eric and he sincerely tells her he has her back. Unless America tells him to vote her out, of course, but he conveniently leaves that part out.

Amber’s tour of desperation continues as she begs Daniele for her vote. It’s rather pathetic, honestly. Then there’s some Zach/Dick tension which the editors try to emphasize so it’s not such a foregone conclusion Amber is going, but it’s all very boring because there is no danger Dick will ever attack Zach like he did Jen. Zach’s a man, sillies! At the live vote, Amber is evicted 3-1 and we learn Eric has made $30,000 so far on his America’s Player tasks. Not too bad, but he needs to keep working on those tasks because he’s never going to win the game unless he’s up next to Dick, and maybe not even then, because almost every houseguest in the jury completely blames Eric for their eviction.

Amber’s goodbye is predictably teary, and she immediately gets on Julie Chen’s good side by calling her beautiful when they sit down. Julie gets a few props from me when she asks Amber how she determines who is a good person in the game and who is a bad one. Amber’s answer unsurprisingly nonsensical. I wait for Julie to ask a good follow up question, like “Does a good person think all Jews are greedy?” but then I remember Julie Chen’s not a real journalist. My bad!

The HoH competition this week is a physical competition, finally. The houseguests have to transfer water into a fishbowl until a silver ball floats up high enough they can grab it out of the bowl. The catch? They have to fill the fishbowl with a 3 ounce teacup. Julie tells us the bowl is 16 gallons, which translates into 683 trips with the teacup, or seven miles! SEVEN MILES! This is the best HoH competition ever. I’m all about torturing these assholes.

Next week: We see who won HoH, and a double eviction live show! Which means this season is almost over! WOO!


JW said...

I did not know it would be a double eviction live show!

Like you my DVR didn't record it either when it was preempted for a football game. And since I have the feeds, well, I'm not about to deal with innertube.

I suppose then it must be like last year with the "fast forward" nonsense all in one show? Nice.

And again: I hate everyone. I only hate certain people less in degrees of moderation.

I am jonesing for Survivor, now.

Sarah said...

Sunday's episode was beyond great. The fact that Eric kept falling during the HOH competition made my night. That guy is such a tool. I just want to see if they show him being an ass about Janelle on Tuesday. Ugh- I want to reach through the television and pull down his eyebrow that he arches to the heavens during his diary room sessions.

page said...

The America's Next Top Model thing just floored me. Truly, truly, there is something wrong with that girl. Thank goodness she is gone. I'm with you on being grossed out by Eric. I can't believe Jess kissed him. His eyebrow-raising alone is enough to put me off my feed. Blech. Season 3 of The Wire!!! I thought I wasn't going to like it as well but it was great, huh? I love that show. I cannot wait for this season of BB to be over.