Friday, August 10, 2007

"Amber, you're so a psycho right now.": Big Brother


When we left our depraved little hamsters at the end of last week's live show, they were hanging upside down in some sort of ridiculous fight to the death for HoH. One can only hope in the meantime they've all fallen and sustained injuries that knocked the idiot right out of them. I doubt we're that lucky.

And so they hang. After only a few minutes, Amber is the first one out followed in quick succession by Eric and Jameka. Jameka chimes in from the diary room that she was "fathomed" the rest of them could stay in the competition so long because it was very difficult. I'm fathomed by her use of fathomed in that sentence, myself. It might be grammatically correct, but all it does is give me unpleasant memories of that horrible NBC show Surface, which had the working title of Fathom. That show was bad, yo.

The hanging continues, but things start to get interesting when the houseguests see a banner flying over the back yard that exclaims: "We love Nick! Amber & Eric are liars! LNC is the Nerd Herd." Spending your hard-earned cash to fly a banner over the Big Brother house strikes me as a little pathetic, but I have to give the person whose idea it was to have it fly over during an endurance competition to ensure everyone sees it a whole lot of credit, because that's smart. The houseguests immediately start freaking out and questioning what it means, especially the part about LNC being the Nerd Herd (which is unfortunate, because I thought that was the most hilarious and insulting thing about it).

As the house works itself up into a righteous frenzy, Eric just sits silently and looks like he swallowed a bug. For all of the intrigue CBS tried to manufacture with America's Player this year, it's sublime that they only way America actually impacted the game was by flying a banner over the house and outing their own player. Classic. Amber cries that she doesn't understand why anyone would call her a liar, because if she tries to lie the words won't even come out of her mouth. She has that rare speech impediment where her tongue is not physically capable of forming lying syllables, haven't you heard of it? Amber, bullshit. Why don't we call Nick up and ask him about your ability to lie? Not that I'm saying her lie to Nick about his nomination wasn't necessary, but don't lie by saying you can't lie because you have some kind of moral imperative that prevents it. That's just hateful.

Meanwhile, the hanging HoH competition is still in full swing. Since Dick has the emotional maturity of a fruit fly, things turn ugly once he steps down and starts verbally abusing Jen and Kail to pass the time. Jen finally stands up for herself and gets some good licks in on Daniele about cheating on her boyfriend in the process, and a still shell-shocked Eric foolishly steps in to defend Daniele's honor. Eventually, Jen falls and weak, feeble Kail makes a deal with Daniele that if she steps down, Daniele has to promise she's not going to be evicted this week. Not even promise she won't be nominated, mind you, but simply promise she won't go home, like Daniele controls everyone's vote and can actually make this happen. Kail is an idiot. Of course, Daniele agrees and Kail gives her the HoH, much to my dismay.

Daniele and Dick immediately congratulate themselves on how awesome they are and talk about how it was stupid to vote out Nick, their biggest ally. Um, duh, and thanks for playing, guys. They start to put the pieces of Eric's deception together and decide he has been the threat all along, like it was Eric and only Eric's decision to vote Nick out and not their own stupidity, so Eric must go via the dreaded backdoor. The best part is how they come up with elaborate reasons as to why Eric cast the errant votes. It's like they're right yet so, so wrong at the same time, congratulating themselves on how they "knew it" the whole game. I call bullshit for the second time this week, O Omnipotent Ones. I cannot wait until they are out of the house and see how little they actually knew.

After foolishly believing Jessica is on their side to vote out Eric, Daniele nominates Jen and Kail for eviction. At this rate, Jen is going to top Dr. Will for the number of times she is nominated without being evicted. It's impressive. Jessica immediately goes to Eric and tells him Daniele's plan, which causes Eric to do some pretty ugly posturing in the diary room about how he isn't going out without a fight. I understand that he sort of got screwed by America and he's angry, but this is not a pretty side of his personality. Luckily he seemingly has Amber, Dustin, Jessica and Jameka on his side and is safe this week no matter what, right?

The veto ceremony this week is especially cruel, with the contestants bidding for punishments in order to win. If you bid too low, you're out. If you are the top bidder, you "win" the punishment, which includes things like eating slop, wearing a bunny suit, losing chances at HoH, and losing part of your prize money if you win. I especially think losing your prize money is vile. CBS is already cheap by only giving a $500,000 prize, but taking up to half of it away? That's brutal. I feel like if you survive an entire summer with Dick you deserve $500 MILLION, but that's just me. Long story short, Jen wins the veto by giving up half her prize money. Jameka doesn't win, but somewhere during the game gave up competing in the next five HoH competitions and is now regretting that decision. I'm not sure why Jameka continues to compete so hard in veto competitions she doesn't even need to win. Probably because God told her to, but if that's the case I think her God sort of sucks and she should stop listening to him about game matters. Just some advice from me to you, Jameka.

Now, the scheming begins. Daniele and Dick somehow lure Jen into their evil alliance and get her to agree to work with them to get Eric out. With Jen, Zach, and Jessica's (supposed) vote, they know they have the numbers to get Eric out. Jen gets in Jessica's ear and tells her about his duplicity when she was HoH, and how he tried to get her to nominate Jessica for eviction (which you will remember was an America's Player task). Jessica starts to get worried, but Eric smooths everything over by later wooing her with yet another America's Player task, asking her to go to the final two with him. What a tangled web we weave, America.

Looking far cuter than is called for in her bunny suit, Jen uses the Power of Veto on herself and Daniele puts Eric up in her place. Dick and Daniele seem very certain Eric is going home, which tickles me because if there's one thing you can be sure of in Big Brother, it's that you should never be sure of anything. To her credit, Kail isn't feeling so secure because with Jen at least she knew everyone hates her, but with Eric she shows he has friends in the house.

At the live show, Julie (wearing some sort of cummerbund) very seriously warns us, America, that our player is in trouble. America shrugs and wonders why she thinks we care about their stupid little twist that was clearly designed simply to make them money from text messaging. We soon learn just how in trouble Eric is, though, from his own insecure posturing since being outed as a liar. It seems a few days ago he told Dick he had serious dirt on Amber, something horrible she lied about in her personal life and told him in confidence. Eric threatens to reveal this horrible lie to the
entire house once it is advantageous for him to do so, strategically. First of all, this is a totally disgusting thing to do. Amber shouldn't have revealed something "in confidence" while in a house where all of her words are put to tape, but Eric is gross to use her secrets against her like this. Secondly, why in the world would you tell something like this to DICK of all people? You know he can't keep his mouth shut. Eric is an insecure, posturing little dweeb who yearns for the acceptance he didn't get growing up, that's why, and it's reprehensible.

Of course, Dick uses this information to manipulate Amber into thinking of voting out Eric. Good thing she promised on her child's life she would vote for Kail! Since she obviously cannot vote Eric out now (because her mouth can't make lying syllables, remember) she tries to convince Dustin to do it for her. He's like: bitch crazy, we need Eric to take out Daniele and Dick. Finally he gets sick of the illogical Amber Logic, and agrees to vote out Eric so she can keep her word and God won't strike her child down on the street. Dustin is so obviously lying here, and I think he just became my favorite player because of it.

After acquiring some ghetto braids to give her anger sufficient street cred, Amber decides to confront Eric. Obviously, she does this in front of the whole house instead of taking Eric aside and talking privately, because when you air your grievances privately you don't get to manipulate everyone else around you into giving you sympathy. Her outburst is truly legendary, and I think what Eric did is horrible, but I can't have sympathy for her once she starts in on him for not being worthy of the "good people's group" in the house, and saying that Nick was. Amber, there is no "good people's group." You all suck, and honestly, you almost suck the worst. Only Dick reaches higher levels of suckitude.

Julie brings us back to the live show to learn about Kail's home life and Dick's has-been friends. For once, the vote isn't set in stone and I want to get to it, Julie! I don't care that Dick is friends with rock "stars" from the late 80's and that scary chick from Rock Star: Supernova! The vote finally goes down, and Kail is evicted 4-3. The look on Dick and Daniele's faces are priceless and Dick immediately goes after Dustin for not voting out Eric. Which...what? Dustin easily lies and says he did. I'm not sure why he feels the need to lie, but it's still kind of awesome. Jessica wins a Julie Chen-bungled HoH competition, and she, Eric and Dustin celebrate mightily, as do my roommate and I on the couch. Go Jessica! You are cute, and not obnoxious! Now, just nominate Dick and Daniele and leave my girl Jen alone, and all will be well.

Clip of the week:

I'm sure all of you saw Amber's anti-Semitic comments, so I'm not going to waste my space here showing them to you again. I'm not going to waste my time on any of the houseguests this week, actually, because my lovely friend Pablo just sent me this hilarious video and I have to share even though it has nothing to do with Big Brother. It's from a British show called The Mighty Boosh, and I'm sure I'm the last person with internet access to see it, but here it is anyway.
I may or may not have spent the last two hours watching every Mighty Boosh clip on YouTube because of this. Enjoy!





6 comments:

Nea said...

I'm old GREGGG! Look at my mangina! Do you love me?

Sazbo said...

"After acquiring some ghetto braids to give her anger sufficient street cred..." may be the funniest thing you've ever written. Also, hooray for my first mention on SDD! I was on the chair though, you make it sound like we were all snuggly.

Page said...

This episode so needed creamy beige Baileys!! I agree with Sazbo there, the ghetto braids bit was hilarious. Rarely does anyone do anything on Big Brother that I truly find deplorable but Eric's stunt was wrong. And so stupid. If Jessica doesn't nominate Dick and Daniele I'm going to puke.
PS
Zach in the bunny suit made me homicidal. He may be the dullest BB houseguest in history.

Justin said...

I am just trying to imagine what poor Jessica is going to be thinking when she's trapped in the house alone with Amber, Dustin, Eric, and Jameka.

Actually, I imagine what poor her and Jen are thinking right now?

You should see the "Dick goes off on Jameka and Amber" clip from after the show on Thursday. It is sort of legendary. But it is weird, even though Dick is totally completely right about everything he says, essentially, he is so vile that it it makes me end up hating everybody.

Except Jen and Jessica.

Ugh, why am I still watching this? It is basically season 6 part two?

Dan Owen said...

Isn't the Mighty Boosh on Region 1 DVD yet? Need to get yourself a multi-region player and head over to Amazon.co.uk if not! :)

Carrie said...

"You know me. You've seen my downstairs mixup." God, I could watch that clip all day long. Unfortunately, Dan, it's not on Region 1 yet. I checked immediately. I need a multi-region DVD player, it seems.

Sazbo: I thought that explaining the exact juxtaposition of our TV watching pose might take some of the punch out of the line, so I just used shorthand. I was snuggling with you in my mind, though.

Justin: I hate everyone except Jessica and Jen as well. I sort of respect Dustin as a game player but he sucks on the feeds as a person.