Friday, August 17, 2007

"America, that's my Dad, I'm so proud!": Big Brother

It's status quo this week on Big Brother, as Dick acts like the buttface he is, people yell at him, Amber cries, and I shed a few tears of my own when Julie Chen reveals we're only halfway through the game. Let's get to it!

After Kail's surprise ouster and Jessica's triumphant HoH win, Dick and Daniele are in a tailspin and Dick unsurprisingly starts taking it out on his fellow houseguests immediately, ranting about how he was "lied to." I don't think Dick understands how this game works. The house, seeing the light at the end of the Dick oppression tunnel, finally stands up to him as a group and rants right back at him. Jameka does most of the confronting and even Amber gets a few good licks in, but it's Dustin tha
t earns my eternal respect when he tells Dick "don't ever tell me what to do, ever again." Take that, assbag!

Later, the fighting gets even uglier when Jameka, Amber and Dick get into it again. Jameka is really feeling it this time, and when Dick starts attacking her religion she even goes so far as to call Dick's mother a bitch. Yes, that is a pretty horrible thing to do but Jameka at least has the decency to feel bad about it later. Dick says horrible things all the time and simply does not care. Amber consoles herself post-melee by hiding in the HoH bedroom and talking (crying) to God (America) asking him to grant her forgiveness for all of her past wrongdoings. She also apologizes to God (America) for being so out of shape and asks him for the strength to exercise more and eat better. I'm sure he'll get right on that, Amber, right after he solves the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and fixes whatever the hell is wrong with Britney Spears.

Eric goes to the diary room to learn who America wants to get nominated, and even though I hate Dick so much I actually took the time to vote for him numerous times this week, America would rather see Dustin voted out. Honestly. I said I was moving to Canada, and I might just mean it. What the hell is wrong with America? Why is Dick the most popular houseguest? There's entertainingly antagonistic and there's just plain vile, and for me he is just way too far on the vile side. Despite Eric's efforts, however, Jessica smartly nominates Dick and Daniele for eviction, giving a fantastically honest little speech basically calling this a revenge nomination. In the diary room, Jessica reveals that although most of the house wants Dick out, she is really gunning for Daniele because Daniele is the greater threat to her game, as Jessica isn't even on Dick's radar. I'm not sure how smart Jessica is yet, but she definitely has her moments. Also, she's cute as a button!

Now that both Daniele and Dick are on the block, Dick comes up with the very mature plan to simply bother everyone in the house so much they send him home over his precious daughter. I don't know why he thinks this will work - he's been attacking everyone since day one of this game, and he's still there. It's obviously just an excuse to play up his "evil" personality one more time, and I'm over it. As promised, he takes his harassment to the next level this time by waking up the house to a symphony of banging pots and pans, homophobic slurs, and personal insults. What a charmer. I appreciate that CBS put a few of his homophobic slurs on the actual show ("Princess" being the main one) but they left out the really horrible, offensive things he was saying to Dustin. Dick is getting the reverse-villain edit this year, and it's sickening. Also, It should be noted: Daniele thinks his display is hilarious, and does nothing to stop it. The entire house retreats to the HoH room to hide from Dick's ridiculous tirades. Way to help your daughter's game by alienating her further from the rest of the house, Daddy! You're the best.

The veto competition is a combination eating/croquet game, where the more disgusting things you eat the more chances you get to accumulate points by hitting croquet balls. It's sort of like the bizarro Fear Factor version of Plinko. Of course, Dick sails through the eating round, as does Dustin. Everyone else struggles, especially Jessica who we even get to see throwing up one of the blended concoctions. Thanks, Big Brother! Zach realizes he doesn't need to win the veto, so he purposely throws the competition but not until after he tastes the blood. Um, okay, Zach. The producers must hate him, because his theme song is some serious "bumbling doofus" music. In the end, Dustin and Dick are neck and neck for the veto, but Dick pulls out a lucky shot on his last croquet ball and wins by one point, and my summer-long nightmare continues. I swear, I should be getting hazard pay for volunteering to recap this show. Todd? Can you hook a sister up here?

Because Dick is convinced this will force Daniele to love him, he tells her he plans sacrifice himself so she can stay in the house. Daniele's expression upon this admission is sort of like, "Um...duh. And I'm not promising anything after we're out of here either." After Dick riles Jameka up yet again, Jameka makes an off-handed comment to Daniele about how Daniele condones her father's behavior, and Daniele follows Jameka up to the HoH room to have a good long fight with the house about how they don't understand how hard it is in the house for HER, since she's stuck in there with her horrible father. Daniele? I think they know how much it sucks. When they rightfully point out how she never stands up for them or asks him to stop, her response is basically, "but you guys are so mean to me because of him! I never did anything to you!" They also bring up how she only interacted with Nick for the entire first few weeks, which means they never got the chance to know her. Daniele apologizes for Dick's behavior and asks him to cool it, but loses any points for this gesture when she diary rooms about it all being strategy. She really is her father's daughter.

Eric, still under America's directive, starts hinting that perhaps Dustin should go on the block as a pawn. Dustin agrees and even volunteers himself for the task, which ruins all of the respect his game play earned from me last week when he spearheaded the movement to keep Eric in the game. You never volunteer yourself for nomination, Dustin. The pawn always goes home! Jen doesn't help matters by confusing poor Jessica about Dustin and Eric's true loyalties, an episode which fatefully coincides with an America's Player task that forces Eric to avoid Jessica altogether, fueling her paranoia. In the end, when Dick vetoes Daniele she half-heartedly puts Dustin up in her place. Dustin cockily mocks Dick in the diary room, sure he is safe. Oh, boy. This is not going to end well for young Dustin.

On the live show, Julie Chen opens by giving Dick a complete tongue bath in her monologue at the top of the show. Julie, shut up. America, please listen to me. He is not a hero. He is not cool. He is not funny. He is a sad, sad man with severe anger management issues who cannot let go of his youth and act his age. Unfortunately for me, America again makes me understand how George Bush got a second term in office by telling Eric to get Dustin evicted. I think Eric is starting to realize how much America is screwing him as well, because while he says he will try his hardest, his face totally says "Fuck you, America!" He's obviously desperate for that America's Player money, though, because he works overtime trying to somehow get Dick to stay. He eventually accepts a deal with Dick that he, Jessica, Dick and Daniele will go to the final four together. This is actually a pretty good move if you can trust Dick or Daniele at all, which I can't imagine Eric could feel comfortable doing. Jessica goes along with this plan, and seems to agree that if there is a tie she will vote to evict Dustin.

Back on the live show, Julie intros a clip from former houseguest
Joe. He has nothing nice to say out Dustin, calling him arrogant and selfish. The Big Brother producers do something completely insane here, giving Dustin a total villain edit for this package by twisting several events to make them look worse than they were. Yes, Big Brother. Give (mostly harmless) Dustin the villain edit and give Dick the hero edit. I swear, I might just have to smuggle a weapon into the wrap party this year. Or at least an air horn I can blow into an unsuspecting producer's ear while he's grabbing shrimp from the buffet.

The live vote is actually exciting for the second week in a row, as it's still unclear who is going home. As expected, Amber and Jameka vote to evict Dick and Daniele and Eric vote to evict Dustin. Surprisingly, however, Jen and Zach vote for Dustin to be evicted as well and he is voted out, 4-2. Damn! One thing that Big Brother cannot do well is tease a live vote effectively. We never got any inkling Jen or Zach were voting this way, and I wonder if they were always planning this or if Jessica and Eric got in their ears at the last minute. Dustin is sufficiently shocked, as are Jameka and Amber. Poor Jameka, she is really screwed now with Amber as her only ally. Dustin acquits himself nicely in his exit interview with Julie, correctly assessing that Eric was the other vote to evict him and that Amber and Jameka kept their words. Have fun in the sequester house, Dustin! You better hope Dick stays in the game a long, long time to save your sanity.

This week's HoH competition is a memory task. Apparently the houseguests were awoken this morning to the sight of a Mad Hatter-costumed little person reciting common proverbs (Or maybe aphorisms? I'm not sure.) When they go in the back yard, they find a barbershop quartet and a pirate on stilts. Upon return to the house, a human statue and several bunnies await them as well. If I saw that human statue, I would probably walk right out of the front door and quit. People dressed up like that freak me out. Going to Grauman's Chinese Theater is torture. One time I wasn't paying attention while walking into the Hollywood and Highland complex and I almost ran right into a little person dressed like Chucky from those Child's Play movies, and I actually got scared and screamed a little bit. Don't even get me started on that guy who dresses up like Superman.

Anyway, for the HoH competition the houseguests will now be asked questions about their strange visitors. Jen gets eliminated first on an easy question, and I cry like Amber with a hangnail. Eventually it's down to only Daniele and Amber (!), and Daniele wins HoH. Sigh. This is going to be yet another long week of annoying Dick antics. It will be interesting to see if she and Dick stick to their deal with Eric and Jessica, but as long as Jen stays in the house I'll be happy. Go Jen!

Live feed clip of the week:

I searched for an hour trying to find a fun clip of these houseguests from the last week, to no avail. Do they have any fun at all? To remedy this, I am including one of my favorite clips of a past houseguest making his own fun to combat the severe boredom of the BB house:

"Here's a list of dream things I would like right now: Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock to come rap in the backyard..." I love you, Will.


Justin said...


As vile as Dick is, can you imagine how incredibly, horribly, completely DULL this season would be if he was gone? Well if he AND Jen were gone, that is.

I hope he doesn't win, but I hope he stays a long time.

Go Jen! Go Jess!

My opinions seem to be solidifying on who I like, finally.

And yes, Dr. Will! I keep hoping he makes the requisite past contestant apperance!

page said...

okay, beeotch, step OFF dr. will. you know his fine ass is all mine. hmmph. i'm feeling your pain, yo, in covering this hideous spectacle.