Friday, August 03, 2007

"God is so gangsta, that's what I love about him.": Big Brother

Last week on "Oh my God, I don't know if I can do this anymore because these people are all so stupid": Mike was evicted, with the only votes in his favor coming from Zach and Eric (because America compelled him to). Of course Dick immediately blamed Jen for Eric's vote because he is a moron. Oh, and Dustin got HoH. On to the idiocy!

Sunday night's episode starts right in on Vote-gate, as Nick tries to figure out who cast the mystery vote for Kail. Dick obviously thinks it was Jen since she is the source of everything that is evil in the world. (Didn't you hear, she's just like Saddam Hussein!) Unfortunately, Nick makes the mistake of questioning Amber about the vote, which her slack-jawed, paranoia-addled brain turns into a theory that it was actually Nick who cast the vote, and now he is trying to throw suspicion off himself by talking about it a lot instead of just keeping his trap shut and allowing the house to blame Jen. Brilliant deduction, Veronica Mars.

Later, Dick and Danielle have a father/daughter conversation that in the moment actually made me cry, it was so heartbreaking. Now I hate them both so much I can't even recap it. It's funny how much difference a week can make. The gist: Dick is an asshole, and when Daniele tries to tell him this he doesn't listen. The end.

America once again proves it has no right to be making any sort of decisions where this show is concerned by telling Eric to get Jen nominated. Way to stir things up, America. Of course, Kail and Jen are nominated again but this time Kail thinks she's Dustin's pawn to get Zach out of the house and there is no way she is going home. True or not, she's not very good at this game, that Kail. Jen cries over her nomination because for once she thought Dustin truly had bigger fish to fry. Nick sweetly tries to comfort her. Amber sees this and immediately thinks this means Jen and Nick are in a secret alliance,
suggesting to Dustin that instead of backdooring Zach as planned, they should backdoor Nick. I don't think Dustin is the only man in America who wants to backdoor Nick. Also, Amber is stupid. It's almost offensive.

At the veto selection ceremony, Jen selects Jameka's name out of the sorting hat. Jameka apparently believes God himself used his hand to guide Jen's hand to her ball, and says that if she was chosen by Jen (aka God) then she must fight for the veto and use it on Jen as a result. Because God has already decided who is winning the game, and they are just there to play it out for him. God has to be entertained too, y'all, even when he knows the outcome already - we're just little monkeys dancing for him. Although I think she's a little bit crazy, I admire her convictions and how she stands up to everyone in the house and tells them this is how it's going to be. Dick, of course, lays into her but even a jerk like him can't argue with the "God told me to" defense. Crazy trumps an
gry every time.

The veto turns out to be "Big Brother Art Gallery," where the houseguests must guess common Big Brother phrases illustrated by poorly drawn pictures. I, like Jen, would be terrible at this game. In my defense, at one point one of the pictures is of a foot and an electric cord, from which you are supposed to get "Power of Veto." I get the electric cord, but I guess Foot = Feet = Feeto = Veto? Whatever, producers. Jameka and Dustin both do well in the competition until the twist: the houseguests can use the money they've received for correct answers to buy prizes, specifically a trip to Barbados and $5000. Jameka abstains (because God doesn't approve) but Dustin is sane and takes both prizes, angering his alliance mates who want to ensure the nominations stay the same. Dustin says, "Hee, I'm going to Barbados! With all of
my money! Suckers."

On the final question, Jameka has the most money but it's still anyone's game. Jen answers incorrectly, however, which means the game is over and Jameka is declared the winner. The houseguests immediately fly off the handle, saying Jen lost on purpose to put Jameka in the bad position of having to use the veto on her. I don't explicitly know if Jen did this or not, but if she did GOOD FOR HER. If you don't know the answer and want to prevent someone from answering who won't use the veto on you, this is exactly the smart move to make. Jameka should have kept her mouth shut about using the veto until after the competition if she didn't want something like this to happen. It's a game, people, and Jen is there to win.

Dick, however, can't accept this and berates Jen over and over again. As a viewer I am tired of
Dick. I can't even fathom what it is like to be trapped in a house with him for weeks at a time. Jen handles herself swimmingly, as per usual, which only angers him more. Amber cries to Jameka (as I storm over to the CBS lot with a spoon to dig out Amber's tear ducts and a roll of tape to cover her mouth) about what a horrible person Dustin is for taking the prizes and what a good person she is because she never would have done such a thing. This statement explains why Amber is so awful. She's the kind of person who is convinced she's the most moral person in the room.

America blows it again by picking "I'd do that for a dollar!" as Eric's catchphrase when they could have made him say "Sweet chicken!" I'm moving to Canada.

At the veto ceremony, Jameka takes Jen off the block as promised and Dustin puts up Nick. He is obviously surprised, but understands that he is a threat later in the game and this is why he was nominated. He confronts Daniele and asks her if she knew he was going up. She can't look him in the eye, which is all the confirmation he needs. He's understandably upset and sees the writing on the wall saying he's going home this week. When he talks to Amber, she flat-out lies to him, telling him she had a general idea he might be nominated but didn't know for sure. Or, you know, it was her idea. Whatever, most moral person ever. Then she bawls about how much she loves him, and I stab myself in the ear with my pen. In reaction to his nomination Nick gets a mohawk, determined to go out of the house devoid of whatever sexual appeal he possessed when entering.

After yet another tirade from Dick, Jen takes an ill-advised swipe at him to Daniele, saying she is sorry Daniele had to deal with him her whole life and telling Daniele she must be a very strong person because of it. This is essentially a compliment, but I don't think Daniele wants to hear it. No matter how much you hate your Dad, you don't want someone else to tell you how horrible he is. That's for you to complain about!

A bit later Daniele finally blows up at Jen, calling her rude and saying Jen is mean to her all the time. Jen disputes this, saying she's tried to reach out to Daniele several times but got the cold shoulder. Daniele says a few more mean things to Jen, which causes Jen to respond by telling Daniele she doesn't really approve of her cheating on her boyfriend with Nick. This is all Nick needs to hear, and he comes barreling into the kitchen hair-first and starts calling Jen a bitch and tells her to shut up. Daniele smartly asks him to stay out of it, but now it's officially on and Dick starts in on Jen as well. Then IT happens. Dick full-on loses his shit and pours a glass of whatever he is drinking over Jen's head and walks away. Jen's like, "Uh...okay. Sure. Um, what?" What indeed, my friend. A 40-year-old man just poured a drink over someone's head because he doesn't like them. Where do they find these people?

Back on the live show, Jen says she is used to Dick being such a dick, and Dick is proud he poured the drink over her head. Isn't it nice to see our houseguests learning and growing? When it's time for goodbye speeches, Kail spews nonsense about how much she enjoys being in the house (lie), while Nick (who knows he's leaving) takes his moment to sincerely tell Daniele that he truly does care about her and it wasn't an act. I would call it sweet, but it's just a tad too pathetic to be sweet. I mean, dude. The girl has a boyfriend. No matter how much she kissed on you in the house, as soon as you're gone it's over.

The HoH competition this week is endurance, with the houseguests forced to hang upside down from a swinging pendulum while a white substance of indeterminate origin is spewed onto their faces. I don't care what Jameka says: if God really cared about reality shows he'd rig it so Jen would win and nominate Dick's sorry ass. Let me tell you, I've never been more hoping for God to prove his existence than right now. Go, Jen, go!

Live feed clip of the week:

This is only one of the many extended versions of Dick berating Jen throughout the past week. Notice how CBS conveniently edited out all of his creepy misogynistic comments about Jen's so-called sexual issues. He is so foul.

I love Jen's "I'm rubber, you're glue" approach. She's used to children, you know, being a nanny and all.


Justin said...

It is amazing how quickly I have started to dislike Dick and like Jen. I think it basically took the span of this past week.

But I really hope they both stay on the show as long as possible, because they are the most drama/entertainment on the show.

If only they could get rid of Amber. I hate her so very very very much. And if she knew this, even though she doesn't know me, I am sure she would cry.

Nea said...

I can't stand Evil Dick, he makes me anxious like I am living with him. No wonder Danielle stopped talking to him, he is abusive! Actually, Danielle is starting to annoy me too! Listening to Amber crying is like listening to someone scraping their nails on a chalk board. I am actually rooting for Jen to stay in and fuck some shit up. How can the rest of America not be liking her at this point. They should want to get rid of Zach (who is wothless) or Amber!

Page said...

That was freaking HILARIOUS. Hilarious. Jen has balls. Jen has brains. Jen is entertaining. Right now, Jen is the only one in the house deserving of a win. I like Jameka too for the reasons you said but the God ping-pong ball thing put me over the edge with her. She's a little cuckoo. Was it this one where she prayed to taste God? WTF? Whew. We've got ourselves some real winners this year. Almost makes me miss Cowboy. Almost. I agree with Nea about Dick, he stresses me out. And you are right, Carrie. That a 40-year old man would act that way to a girl in her 20s is simply unforgivable. There is no justification possible. He scares me. Kudos to Jen for either not being scared or not showing it. And Amber?! OMG. "Addled" is absolutely the perfect description of her. She has the dullest look on her face I've ever seen on a non-diagnosed person. Assuming of course that she's not diagnosed with some disorder. She easily could be. This was really, really funny. I've had a icky week, I'm just today back to catch up on all my blogs, and this one made my day! Thanks, Carrie.