Friday, August 24, 2007

“In my whole life I’ve always been a happy, positive person who’s honest. Um, obviously I don’t fit in here.”: Big Brother

Welcome to hell, party of me.

In the aftermath of Dustin’s eviction and Daniele’s subsequent HoH win, the Frightful Foursome (Daniele, Dick, Eric and Jessica) are drunk with power and toolishness. Immediately after delivering the delightful diary room proclamation “The blood is on our hands and let me tell you, it feels good,” Eric approaches an obviously distraught Jameka and tries to apologize for voting Dustin out. Thankfully, Jameka isn’t really having it and I’m sure she’s regretting the decision to fight to keep Eric in the house just last week. Jameka and Amber conference and
Amber (surprisingly) makes the deduction that Eric and Jessica must have made a final four deal with Dick and Daniele. Maybe I underestimated her intelligence.

Apparently not! The next segment is all “Amber is dumb” all the time, as we learn she has a bit of a vocabulary deficiency. And when I say a bit, I mean she probably doesn’t know any words over two syllables. Examples of words she has asked the meaning of since being in the house: charismatic, ridicule, integrity, and outed. I don’t think I need to say anything else except: wow. I think it might be a miracle that she hasn’t, like, walked over a cliff or into oncoming traffic yet in her life.

America votes to get Amber nominated, and for once I wonder if maybe we’re not so bad after all. Then I remember Dick is the most popular houseguest and I go back to being jaded. Eric doesn’t even have to sweat to make this happen, as it’s pretty much a guarantee Daniele is going to nominate Jameka and Amber, which she does. Her true target, however? My girl Jen. Please, God, guide one of the nominees hand to Jen’s ball in the POV bag. I don’t think I can handle this house without her.

After the nomination ceremony Eric approaches Jameka and again a
pologizes, stupidly telling her he thought he was going to be nominated. Eric, go die in a fire. Seriously. I have no problem with playing the game, but don’t be smarmy and disingenuous. That might be difficult for him, because I don’t think he knows how to be anything else. Amber is not as worried about being on the block, because according to her she had a vision from God that she would win POV. Uh oh, Amber and I are rivaling for God’s affections regarding the veto competition! I’m pretty sure I have an immediate leg up, considering I didn’t sign up to be a contestant on a soul-sucking reality show. I just used to help produce them. Totally different.

Before the veto competition, Daniele complains to Zach that she hates how Jen is constantly complaining, which is pretty rich coming from Miss “It’s so FRUSTRATING!” herself. I would love to have some extra cash to buy everyone in the house some self-awareness. Unless it’s sold at the 99 cent store next to the contaminated toothpaste, I don’t think I have enough money in my bank account to buy the massive amounts they would need.

I lose my contentious POV God Battle with Amber when Jen’s name isn’t selected to play in the competition. God, why have you forsaken me? Is it because of that thing I did that one time in college, because he said it was totally natural and everyone was doing it? In this completely original POV competition, the houseguests have to predict what percentage of Big Brother viewers thought a certain way on a survey question. It’s just like Family Feud! And nothing like CBS’s current hit game show, Power of 10! Daniele wins POV, which means God abandoned both me and Amber in our time of need. Amber diary rooms/cries about how she is losing her faith a little bit. Amber, did you ever consider the possibility that God exists, he just hates you? Or he can’t be arsed to meddle with a reality show? Or he just hates you?

Jameka gives Amber the very good idea of going to Daniele and offering her safety next week if Daniele vetoes her. Why Jameka chooses to tell Amber this and not do it herself, I do not know. Jameka wisely advises her not to give too much away and to only promise things she can deliver on. Amber completely agrees and also says she will not swear on her daughter’s life, no matt
er what. Cut immediately to Amber talking to Daniele in the HoH room, offering Daniele safety for the rest of the game, offering to vote however Daniele wants her to, and swearing all of this on her daughter’s life. The editors brilliantly add a “ding” sound effect every time Amber does something she told Jameka she wouldn’t. After their meeting, Daniele can barely contain the grin of “smarter person who takes advantage of stupid person’s disability.” Not that I fault her for it, because damn. Amber is an idiot.

As planned, Daniele puts Jen up at the veto ceremony, and Jen gives the best eye roll in the history of eye rolls when Daniele speechifies that she wants Jen out of the house because Jen has repeatedly said she doesn’t care about the money and Daniele doesn’t want to “steal this opportunity” from someone else by allowing Jen to be in the house and shamefully want to participate without wanting the money. Okay, these people need to make up their minds. Dustin was greedy because he took the prizes, but Jen doesn’t deserve to be there because she doesn’t care about the prize at the end? My head hurts.

Jen, who is actually hurt to be nominated by Daniele when she thought they were forming a bond, gets upset and starts crying. Aw. When she says, “I don’t want to cry. It’s awkward,” I just want to hug her and make that into a banner plane to fly over the house so Amber can see it. Jen goes to work out, and Dick corners her in the equipment room, explaining to her that everyone hates her and she’s a liar. He is trying to tell her the reasons everyone hates her, and when Jen objects to those reasons he tells her to shut up because he has no better defense. Lather, rinse, repeat. Kill me now.

Jen, obviously tired of being continuously abused and knowing she’s going home this week, finally starts to retaliate against Dick and his tirades by taking all of his cigarettes and destroying them. Now, there was some tricky editing in this sequence but I am going to write it like it happened on the live feeds, not how CBS portrayed it. After Dick discovered she destroyed his cigarettes, he hid her clothes in the HoH room and yelled at her a lot, as he does. Somewhere in here Jen gets called into the diary room and told she cannot destroy his cigarettes, even though apparently earlier in the game they told her she could. The producers then give Dick replacement cigarettes but do not force Dick to give her clothes back. Jen, distraught about what she perceives to be favoritism by the producers, basically gives up at this point and starts eating food even though she is on slop. The absolute outrage the other houseguests feel about this is so, so ridiculous, by the way. They act like she just slapped their grandmas or something. Because she ate while she was on slop, she gets a penalty vote this week.

Jen is outside crying and eating a turkey burger, cottage cheese and an apple when Dick walks out and blows his cigarette smoke right in her face. On purpose, mind you. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back for Jen, and she leaps up and starts yelling at Dick and trying to grab the cigarette from him. During this little slap fight, he blatantly tries to burn her with a cigarette ON PURPOSE, and Jen, who has really lost it by this point, just keeps crying and screaming “you’re burning me on purpose” as he yells insults at her. It’s truly horrible and scary, and thankfully Jameka (but not the producers, no) recognizes the situation is out of control and calmly leads Jen away to tend to her burned hands.

Honestly, at this point I really wanted to turn the show off and give up for the season. Only because of you, dear readers, do I soldier on.

Julie brings us out of this insanity with the cheerful news that because Daniele and Amber were the top two in the veto competition, they win a trip to New York City to compete on (CBS’s new hit game show) Power of 10. We watch them take a trip in a private plane and get professionally made up (while Amber pontificates on how much America must love her, which HA!), but we don’t get to see what happens until Tuesday. I just can’t wait! Except the fact that I can.

Back in the house, it’s time for the live vote. Jen gives an amazingly awesome passive aggressive speech about how she is nice and this is the reason she doesn’t fit in there (hee) and she is just as happy to be leaving as she was coming in. Jameka talks about what an honor it is to be surrounded by all of those people. Jen: 1. Jameka: 0. I mean, really Jameka? Jen is unanimously voted out and gets insincere hugs from everyone except Eric (and Dick, of course) who just sits on the couch and sulks. What has she ever done to Eric? Honestly? As she has one foot out the door, Eric gallantly says, “Jen, as happy as you are to be leaving, we’re happier to see you go.” And at this point, my head explodes in anger. What a dickless little dweeb. Jen brilliantly responds, “That’s…perfect” and walks out the door. I love her.

In her exit interview, Jen is classy, reasonably well spoken and looks beautiful. You’re too good for them, Jen. Go sit in sequester, read books, drink margaritas, laugh about how pathetic they all are with Dustin, and pray Dick makes it to final two so you don’t have to see his sorry ass again. The most galling part of the interview, though, is when Julie Chen asks her if she thought Dick’s abusive treatment was “strategy” or if that’s how he really is. This question is insulting because it doesn’t matter why Dick is a raging asshat, it just matters that he treats people horribly. Jen basically says the same thing, that no matter why Dick attacked her, it wasn’t appropriate and on top of this 95% of the things he said about her were just plain incorrect.

The HoH competition is yet another “know your fallen houseguests” trivia quiz. The fun part is when you are eliminated, Jen gets to push a button and plunge you into a dunk tank. She rightfully shows much glee while performing this task. Jessica wins HoH, and I cry because I was rooting for Amber, and what has this world come to when I root for Amber? Eric goes out very early, and I hope his fellow houseguests are taking note that he throws every single one of these competitions. He's just doing it because he is scared to be HoH and have to make nominations based on what America wants, and I am ready for his ass to get called out, big time.

I won’t be posting any more live feed clips, because I cannot force myself to watch these people more than absolutely necessary. I will leave you with this interesting article questioning the difference between the live feeds and the edited show, and a question: Kail thinks the Big Brother house is like Animal House, Nick thinks it’s like Love Actually (way to ruin a favorite movie of mine, NICK) and Joe thinks it’s like Meet the Fockers. If you had to compare this season of Big Brother to one film, what would it be?


Justin said...

Nice writeup Carrie!

I don't know if I can stand this show without Jen.

I hate Eric.
I hate Amber.
I hate Jameka.
I hate Dick.

I am reasonably indifferent to Danielle.

And I still kind of like Jess, I suppose.

And I am off the "I can tolerate Dick, because he provides drama and entertainment" train.

I said kind of jokingly when I substituted for you that I thought he would end up hitting someone; it turns out I wasn't too far off, was i?


Sarah said...

I love your Big Brother recap. I watch the show with great shame, yet I can't stand the thought of a cold television set...

I tried looking through my movie collection to see if I could think of any movies. The problem is I buy good movies, it's hard to think of a crud movie.

Carrie said...

Justin, I was actually sort of strangely hoping Dick would hit Jen (not hard, mind you) so he would get kicked out of the game and finally be exposed as the asshole he is, and then Jen could sue CBS for millions of dollars for not stopping his abuse earlier. I guess lunging at her with his cigarette was not enough, since she "started it" and all.

The only person I am still rooting for is Jameka, because although she is crazy at least she seems to have a soul.

I couldn't come up with any good movies either, Sarah. I wouldn't want to sully any movie, no matter how terrible, with the association.