Thursday, September 27, 2007

"I get the feeling that autistic kids all over are going to look at her and say "wow!": America's Next Top Model

Personally, I don't watch the Oprah. I have a low-paying job where I spend day in and day out being told what to care about, what to think and what to do. Additionally, I have a husband. So, since I've never felt a void in my life I wanted to fill with the inane pontifications of a television personality, I've always shied away from the Big O. Unfortunately for me, I've been ambushed. This season of ANTM has unleashed a completely Oprah-fied Tyra Banks. Evidently her scant two years as host of her own talk show has led Banks to completely lose touch with reality and caused her to begin a creepy transformation of Single Black Female proportions.

I rest my case.

So color me surprised when this week's episode of Model featured Tyra saving the world in a multitude of ways. Gone is the stretch hummer that used to cart the models around for the previous EIGHT CYCLES, as Tyra evidently got word of an energy crisis/pending environmental disaster/bad earth thingy, and jumped on the green bandwagon just as fast as her 5-inch heels would allow. Not only that, but Tyra took a firm anti-smoking stance, going so far as to ban smoking in the model house. Smoking is bad, ya'll. And nothing says drama like rail-thin girls having nic fits, trying not to gain any weight after being forced to quit smoking cold turkey. Word.

The rest of the episode? Manipulative. The models' first photo shoot was an anti-smoking ad featuring some of the worst special effects makeup I have ever seen. Most of the girls were understandably nervous with a few standouts, namely Heather and Lisa. I would explain the 'challenge' the girls underwent this week, but all I remember is OLD NAVY OLD NAVY OLD NAVY OLD NAVY. Which, actually, was probably the point. Huh. Really makes you think. The other irritating thing about the episode was the editing choices made. I love Heather and think her story is compelling all on it's own. I certainly don't need the ANTM editors to try and enhance it by showing just how bitchy the other girls are about it. Ultimately, it just furthers my already low opinion of these childish models and certainly isn't going to inspire me to stick around once Heather is eliminated (later, rather than sooner, hopefully). Other annoyances were the silly inexplicable infighting amongst some of the contestants who seem to be fighting merely because they have nothing better to do. Lovely.

Ultimately, the judges eliminate sweet, vacant, dead-eyed Mila, whose pictures were mediocre, who inappropriately laughed through her photo shoot as a chemo patient, and who stood through panel looking like a cardboard cutout. If you listened closely, you could hear the poor, trapped moth fluttering about the cavernous expanse that was her skull. In other words, like shooting fish in a barrel, this elimination was.

As for next week, it appears that next week we have catwalks and straight jackets to look forward to as well as ... more fighting. Awesome. Also returning next week, my lovely co-blogger Mr. Andy Hall.

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