Friday, September 07, 2007

"My brother is 20 years old, he’s made it through war - I can make it through this house.": Big Brother

he only way Daniele is not going to win this game is if she somehow contracts a super fast-acting flesh eating virus in the next week and her body eats itself first.

We last left the houseguests in the midst of a brutal HoH competition involving seemingly interminable water transfer, a silver ball and slippery floors. It’s sort of a metaphor for life, really. I don’t know what that means. Sorry. I think watching this show is making me dumber by the second.

All four competitors (Eric, Zach, Daniele and Dick) were neck in neck at the end of Thursday’s live show, but time has favored the long-legged and Zach is now solidly in the lead. Eric is clearly terrible at this game and falls down constantly, much to my delight.
Watching people fall down is always funny – it’s why America’s Funniest Home Videos has been on the air for 100 years and counting – but watching people you hate fall down? Pure magic. Fall, assholes, fall! Give me a few moments of pleasure in this hour of pain!

Big Brother decides to
shake things up by offering a temptation: the first one to neglect the HoH competition and fill a smaller container with water wins a phone call from home. Eric, knowing he has no chance of winning HoH, immediately goes for the call and wins it. He later acts like he might give the call to Jameka because she hasn’t had any contact with home yet, but since he’s trying to have sex with Jessica he gives the call to her. The next temptation is an offer to use two extra cups to transfer water. For every extra cup a competitor takes, the house goes on cold water for one day. They all take two cups, even Eric (which, why?), meaning the house has nothing but cold water for eight days. Nothing much comes of that storyline. Great producing, show.

Dick makes a good run of it in the end, but Zach wins HoH easily. Everyone…just sort of stands there and gives him a half-hearted “Good job.” Later, when he asks them if they want to see his HoH room, he is met with dead silence. Poor Zach. They reluctantly ogle his pictures, and I am just fascinated that he got a Creighton University t-shirt as a reward. He already wears Winthrop University and Florida State University clothing. What is the deal with wearing so many different school’s paraphernalia? Did he just point at a March Madness bracket one year and randomly pick three schools to root for? If he’s really an FSU football fan he’s going to wish he spent the entire fall in Big Brother seclusion after he gets a look at this year’s offense. I say this with love as a devoted FSU alumnus: it sucks a big fat turd.

What, this isn’t a sports blog, you say? The bored houseguests flee Zach’s room one by one and Daniele, apparently the only houseguests with a functioning brain, stays behind to get in Zach’s ear about his nominations. They bond over how horrible Dick is, and then Daniele turns right around and uses Dick’s fury as a veiled threat to Zach if he comes after her or her father. She’s a sweetheart. Later, she tells him “in confidence” that unless he puts up Jessica and/or Eric this week and one of them goes home, he’s definitely going home next week. While Jessica and Eric play kissy-face in the bedroom or something instead of playing the game (well, Eric kisses and Jessica just sort of blandly goes along out of boredom, as far as I can tell), Dick and Daniele offer Zach a deal to work together if he doesn’t put them up this week, which Zach obviously accepts. It’s like Jessica and Eric didn’t even try, y’all. Sigh. As promised, Zach puts up Jessica and Jameka with the goal of getting Jessica out.

Eric is seriously devastated about Jessica’s nomination because he knows it’s entirely his fault. The hilarious part is she knows it too, and she’s openly pissy to him. Eric opens up to Jameka about what a hard time he’s having right now because he has obligations “beyond the scope of the game,” meaning his feelings for Jessica and America’s Player, I’m assuming. He even cries a little bit (OK, a lot). I can’t feel sorry for him, however, because even though he has America messing with his game he still allowed Dick and Daniele to get this far in the game and he deserves everything bad that arises because of that huge error. The only way to ensure their alliance remains intact is for Eric to win the veto and take Jessica off the block, so he will be fighting extra hard for the veto. With his history of past dominance of Big Brother competitions, I’m sure he has this one all sewn up!

Past contestant Janelle arrives to host the veto competition, and the more I see her now the more I realize I only really liked her in season 6 because everyone else was so horrible and I respected her veto dominance. She’s actually kind of icky. Eric, not knowing she’s hiding behind the veto set waiting to come out, immediately insults Janelle once he sees her picture calling her things like “fat.” Shut up, Eric. I do not know why he needs to continually cut down attractive women, but I have a feeling it has something to do with how he is a five-foot-nothing insecure dweeb who is still angry the pretty people wouldn’t talk to him in high school. Ass. He eats major crow when he sees her walk out, and I get a large amount of satisfaction seeing the uncomfortable expression on his face. The veto competition is one of those scrambled picture puzzles where you have to guess which houseguests are pictured, and I immediately know Daniele is going to win. She does and doesn’t use the veto, pretty much sealing Jessica’s fate.

I’m going to skip over Dick and Janelle’s disgusting/sad little flirtation because it makes me dry heave.

Somehow, Eric is convinced Dick and Daniele are going to stick to their alliance and vote out Jameka. For someone who is a purported student of the game, he’s really not very good at it. Jessica hopes they will return the favor and keep her since she kept them last week, but because she has at least a little bit of a brain in her head she doesn’t look convinced. Oh, Jessica. If only you could have had more confidence in yourself to go out on a limb and not listen to Eric last week. He would have forgiven you immediately because he wants to sleep with you! He would forgive anything you did at this point because of the lure of your nether regions! Please be more sexually manipulative next time!

I’m so sad.

Dick decides to trick Jameka into making a deal with them by telling her she’s going home, and then right before the live vote offering her a deal to stay. She takes the news of her eviction gracefully, and immediately tells Jessica she’s safe. They both don’t believe Dick, though, because who would at this point? I know – Eric! He double-checks with Daniele to see if Jessica is going home, and she so obviously lies to him about Jessica’s safety, and he believes every word. He is killing me.

Thursday’s live show is Big Brother Fast Forward, a magical episode where an entire week’s worth of activities are crammed into one night and two houseguests are eliminated. It’s a beautiful thing. The first task of the night is for Dick and Daniele to evict Jessica with a vote of 2-1. Eric is sad. Fuck off, Eric. Jessica’s exit interview reveals that she still wants to have a relationship with Eric outside of the house. I think that relationship will last until about 45 minutes after the hubbub dies down at the end of the wrap party and she sees herself standing next to him and says "wait...what?" In her goodbye message Eric tells her he LOVES HER, which dude. That’s personal and totally weird. Wait until the jury house for that!

In the HoH competition, Eric sucks it up yet again and loses to Dick. I used to think he was throwing these HoH competitions, but now I know he is just completely incompetent. Dick makes his on-the-fly nominations and puts up Eric and Jameka exactly like we knew he would. We go immediately to the POV competition, which involves lots of blue balls flying at the houseguests’ heads. I wish I was exaggerating. Eric knows he has to win in order to be safe but still manages to do horribly. I am so ready for this wanker to leave, honestly. Zach wins, and I immediately start screaming at Eric to get in Zach’s ear and tell him to veto his nomination and put up Daniele so they can vote her out and break up the unstoppable Donato alliance. All he has to do is tell Zach there is NO WAY he can win the game if he’s in an alliance of three with them. What does Eric do instead? Ask Zach for a “fair chance” to play and pull the “everyone on the jury hates me” card. Yep, that’s gonna work. Good God, boy, fight for yourself! Do SOMETHING! I don’t even want you to win, but I don’t want the Donatos to win more. Argh.

Here’s where I need to take a Dr. Evil Will Kirby sidebar. Remember last year on the double live eviction show when Janelle won HoH and he immediately grabbed her and talked her ear off making sure she made the nominations he wanted, knowing that she had a different agenda? And got exactly what he wanted but still made her feel good about it like she was doing what was best for her game? That was Big Brother magic. This is…stupid. I know I talk about him a lot, but it’s because he is good at this game and made it so exciting to watch. I bet if he came back again he’d still make it to the final four. Call me, Will! I have a tattoo that could use removing!

Back to the idiocy. Zach, who apparently simply came on this show to hang out with abusive morons and hand Daniele the money on a silver platter instead of fighting for it himself, keeps the nominations the same. Zach and Daniele vote out Eric, 2-0. Eric is at peace with his eviction, as am I because I’ll never have to hear that awful America’s Player theme music again.

Next week: Justin takes over recapping duties because I’m off to Austin City Limits to stalk Jack White and eat pounds of Mexican food and Texas barbecue. I’ll be back in two weeks for a recap of the finale and (hopefully) the wrap party.

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