Friday, September 21, 2007

"Well I was wondering who was that childish when it happened. I was like 'Who does this?' But now, I see. It was America.": Big Brother

[Justin, thanks for taking one for the team last week with your excellent recap. -C]

I suppose I should be used to unsatisfying Big Brother winners by now. Looking back at past winners, I've only really been happy one time: Dr. Evil Will Kirby in season two. Since then it's been a parade of the undeserving and unlikable. Nobody Lisa over mastermind Danielle in season three. (A travesty.) Jun in season four. (Who? Exactly.) Drippy Drew in season five. (Although it was fun to see Diane chase him around like a puppy at the wrap party that year.) Disgusting Maggie in season six. (When you make icky Janelle look good in comparison, you're in trouble.) And let's not forget Boogie in season seven. (A grown man who goes by the name Boogie and goes on national television to get his genital warts removed. Enough said.)

However, I cannot remember anyone I have despised more than Dick Donato.

Tuesday's finale started off promisingly, with the jury seemingly
against Dick at every turn. However, things immediately changed once Eric got his directive from America to campaign for Dick. One little speech from Eric about Dick's dominance of the game and all of a sudden his assholery was forgotten and his "game play" was lauded, with the entire panel pretty much agreeing that Daniele wouldn't have gotten nearly as far without Dick's strategic tactics. Sure, her winning five veto competitions and several HOH's meant nothing at all. I'm not saying I like Daniele, but Dick is so much worse. Thankfully, Jen can rub two brain cells together and remains disgusted by Dick's treatment of others in the house, saying "I think that Dick is absolutely the worst person I've ever met in my life." Amber takes offense to Jen badmouthing Dick because, according to Amber, Jen is just as culpable as Dick because they called a truce and worked together. Yes, Amber, it was horrible of Jen to make a deal with Dick that he stop threatening to rape her until she was dead. Jen is such a bad person! How can she even live with herself!

During the jury Q&A, Dick infuriates me even more by stating for the thousandth time that the Donatos had the hardest game in the house. Going into a game all about alliances with someone you can absolutely trust is a horrible disadvantage, didn't you know? Amber goes petty and asks Daniele why she should vote for her considering Daniele cheated on her boyfriend with Nick. Let's see here. In Amber's moral "logic," continually berating people with homophobic, misogynistic and threatening remarks until they fear for their safety is OK, but cheating on your boyfriend is evil. Good to know. Dick and Daniele close with statements about their game play, and Dick emphasizes his big move in the game of getting Eric on his side and voting Dustin out of the house instead of himself. (Which is thoroughly refuted with the America's Player reveal. Tee hee.) Daniele immediately takes offense to Dick actually campaigning for the win. What an entitled, ungrateful bitch. You know she expected Dick to tell them to vote for Daniele and give him second place, and I love that he wouldn't do that.

On the live portion of the show, Julie introduces the past houseguests who didn't make the jury, and I almost fall out of my seat when I see Nick. Dude is looking good, is what I'm saying. Too bad I cannot like him because he loves Daniele. What a waste of man-candy. The jury casts their votes and all get a chance to address Dick and Daniele directly, and I have to say that I love Jen even more when she says, basically, "I don't like either of you, but they are forcing me to vote for one of you so here goes." Ha. After the voting, Julie reveals that Eric was America's Player. Everyone thinks this is totally hilarious, even Jessica. The producers decide not to reveal that he was paid for this task, which is strange. I wonder what they all thought once they knew Eric made $40,000 for his efforts?

Finally, it's time for the reveal and Dick takes the game, 5-2. That's right, the only people that voted against Dick were Jen and Jameka. I knew they were probably the only people in the house with a soul, but COME ON. Sigh. Did they get Stockholm Syndrome like Dee on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia last night? I just don't understand. I'M SO FRUSTRATED!

Despite my dislike for most of the houseguests, I was still pretty excited to attend the wrap party last night. The Big Brother wrap party is a notoriously strange place where the houseguests are treated like celebrities, but celebrities that it's OK to stalk and talk to. Everyone crowds around the houseguests, chatting them up and asking for pictures, and it's expected so there's no awkwardness about it. Once I arrived, I immediately hit the bar and fueled up on the dinner buffet (complete with chocolate fountain, cotton candy machine and churro cart for dessert). As I was eating, some horrendous bitch walked up to our table and stole my party favor, a plate-sized cutout of Jen's head (pictured to the right)! She just reached over my shoulder, grabbed it off the table and ran. I got up and tried to find her because I was damn well going to take it back, but she was gone like she never even existed. It was pretty unbelievable. Who does that?

After that, I was angry and ready to stalk me some houseguests. The main goal was to get some face time with Jen, but I was perfectly happy to take whoever I could get. The first houseguest my friend Tina and I ran across was Nick. We approached him and asked for a picture and he was very obliging, posing and then chatting with us for a bit. I asked him if anyone was asking him any awkward questions and he replied that everyone was asking him what was going on with him, Daniele and Daniele's boyfriend (not in attendance) and he cheerfully said, "I don't know what's going on, so I have nothing to tell them!" Hee. (You see how I got him to talk about it without asking a direct question? I am smooth.) We thanked him for his time and booked out of there. If it wasn't for his infatuation with Daniele, I would really like Nick, I think. Maybe I'm just blinded by the pretty smile and cute Minnesota accent. I don't know.

Hanging around in the same area as Nick was Zach, so we decided to grab a quick picture with him. He was perfectly willing to oblige but was not quite as engaged in the conversation as the other houseguests we encountered that night. Also, he is a giant. The only thing I regret is not asking him why he wears all of that different university paraphernalia. I think I was still in the thrall of Nick's beauty, honestly.

Next we spotted Joe all by himself and immediately made a beeline for him. Now, Joe wasn't necessarily my favorite person in the house but I will give him one thing: the boy is funny. We spent the first few minutes of our conversation making fun of how short Eric is (Joe, Nick, Mike and Zach are really, REALLY tall guys) which amused me. Joe was surprisingly gracious about his early exit and said he enjoyed his experience and just wanted to play longer. He mentioned a potential return on another All-Stars season, and if they do another one of those I might have to move into an underground bunker because that would surely mean the return of the Donatos. Shudder.

Catching Jessica out of the corner of our eye, we thanked Joe for his time and moved over to try to talk to her for a bit. Jessica had the most people around her, and it took a good ten minutes to even get near her. She was overwhelmed but very gracious, and we didn't talk to her because there were so many people vying for her attention. I will say that while she is cute on TV, she is quite gorgeous in person.

Right next to Jessica was Eric (of course) who I had a hankering to talk to because I was dying to know whether he really wanted to vote for Dick or if he only did it because America told him to. Unfortunately, he said that he really did want Dick to win and thought Dick played the stronger game. He reiterated his argument that Daniele never would have made it that far without Dick, which I think is a faulty argument because Dick never wold have made it that far without Daniele as well. When I asked him whether Dick's being a complete scary asshole might have given him pause, Eric said that he tried to take "personal feelings" out of his vote and vote on strategy alone. To avoid a long, drawn-out argument which would inevitably end with me punching Eric in the face, I thanked him for his time and moved on.

Not having spotted Jen yet, we decided to make another visit to the dessert bar. On the way, the crowd parted, angels sang, and we saw Jen right in front of us. We sprinted over there and asked for a picture, during which I told her she was the only sane person in the house and my friend Tina told her she admired her for being able to withstand all of Dick's wrath. She thanked us graciously and unfortunately we decided to excuse ourselves quickly because there were a lot of people waiting to talk to her and we are too polite for our own good. She sort of looks like the wax statue version of Jen in this picture, but she was absolutely gorgeous in person.

After dessert bar trip number two it was time for the producer speeches and gag reel. The producer speeches were mind-numbingly Donato-centric,and when Dick took the stage with his arms up in victory like Rocky on the steps of that Philadelphia Museum I almost had to excuse myself. I soldiered on, however, and was treated to a fairly creative and amusing gag reel full of making fun of Amber, kissing Dick and Daniele's ass, and exploiting Jessica's, um, assets. I taped a portion of it on my camera, but unfortunately I had problems uploading it to YouTube. There were a lot of other people taping it as well, so as soon as I find it I will add it to this post. After the gag reel my camera was out of memory space and I'd had about all of the Big Brother I could take, so we headed out.

Found it! I apologize for the terrible quality. The sound is out of sync with the video, and the person who filmed this was apparently a total spaz. And short. But, here it is:

Dick Donato for President. Please don't make me barf.

Here's hoping next year's batch of hamsters aren't as horrible as this one's! Thanks for reading, everyone. See you next summer.


Sazbo said...

Glad you and Joe got a chance to make fun of short people. Jerks.

Carrie said...

Joe made fun. I laughed.

Sarah said...

That looked like fun. You got to celebrate in their last minutes of fame. Other than 'The Donatos' what person did you try to avoid the most?

Justin said...

You're so lucky!

Although I wish you would've gotten more on Jen and Jess


Vile creatures the Donatos.

I have to do my Survivor recap soon. Oooh boy there's this one girl who is PRICELESS.

I hope I get over competition reality shows someday.

Carrie said...

Sarah: Amber. Every time I saw that curly hair in the distance I ran in the opposite direction.

Justin: It was fun, and I would have liked to talk to Jen for a lot longer. The two people I enjoyed talking to the most ended up being Nick and Joe. Who'd have thunk it?