Hello South Dakota Darkers. Carrie here. Have you ever wondered why Gossip Girl never mentions the parents in her cutesy voice over blog entries? It's because, from the fictional world of the GG blog to the very non-fictional world of my living room, NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE PARENTS AND THEIR BORING LOVE QUADRANGLES. (Well, unless they're Blair's parents, because everything Blair touches turns to fabulous.) Even the premise of the show seems to understand this, hence the absence of parents in the titular blog, although sadly the writers somehow still do not. Please catch on, writers. I've been a very good girl this year. Consider it your Christmas present to me. xoxo.
Sorry, I know you all must be sick of my broken-record bitching about this, but I just had to get that out. I don't know why this Rufus/Lily/Alison/Bart storyline bugs me so much, but it's neigh intolerable. When Lily divested herself of Bart a few episodes ago, I foolishly hoped it was the last of his boring self, but seeing that he proposed to Lily at the end of the episode, I don't think he's going anywhere.
[Note: I'm writing this on a plane waiting to take off, and I think they're trying to kill me with the music. Currently Faith Hill is wailing some nondescript Christmas tune. I think it was in the Jim Carrey version of The Grinch, seeing as he is featured in the video. Serenity now!]
Of course, since Alison went back to Hudson and her man there, Rufus has decided now is the time to tell Lily he wants to try having a relationship with her again. This means Lily will say yes to Bart's preposterous proposal even though she's in love with Rufus and not Bart, because that's Just How TV Works. Although the marriage would be ridiculous, the idea of Serena, Chuck and Eric being step siblings is sort of delicious.
[The music just switched to Kenny G's version of "Silver Bells." If this plane doesn't take off soon, someone's going to get some Christmas cheer in the form of my Chuck Taylor straight up their ass.]
In the land of parents that are actually sort of interesting, if only be result of their proximity to Ms. Interesting herself Blair Waldorf, Blair's dad turns up for Christmas as planned. Disappointingly for Blair, however, he brings lover Ramon with him and misguidedly attempts to force him and Blair to bond. Blair resists this pressure because all she wants in life is for her dad to come back to New York (because all she really wants in life is for someone to love her the way she loves them, and this thinly veiled plea she puts out their all the time just breaks my heart). When she sees that her father is happy with Ramon and isn't coming back, she opens up a bit and starts to let Ramon in. It's sweet, but also a little creepy because said bonding happens on Christmas morning while Blair is wearing the teeniest silk nightie known to man. Buy some flannel PJ's, Blair. They're retro!
[Oh, Jesus H. Christ. Now it's Manheim Steamroller, which might the the only band I hate more than Creed. Trans-Siberian Orchestra is right behind MS in my haterade. If they play them next, you might be hearing about me on the news before I get a chance to post this, as I just might rip the speakers right out of this plane.]
Also in Blair's world, she learns that Chuck went to Monaco for the holidays and starts a fun little text war with him, where he hints that he might just tell Nate about their little affair. Oh, the games we play when we're young, naive, rich, manipulative, vindictive and in love. Blair really gets worried when she finds out Nate isn't in Connecticut as he planned, but in Europe with Chuck. Ha! Chuck is delightful.
Finally, we have Serena and Dan. After a few episodes of blissful absence, Vanessa pops her strangely coiffed head in (seriously, she got some sort of 80's Janet Jackson meets Rosie Perez makeover here, and it's distractingly bad) and announces that she stole one of Dan's stories and submitted it to a contest at the New Yorker, and Dan is going to be published. This of course threatens Serena, who can't possibly compete with a present like that. Well...there's one thing she could give him that I think he would like better, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
[David Benoit. Who the hell is that? My new enemy, that's who. How can someone mess up "Carol of the Bells"? It's like the coolest Christmas song ever. I think I've been on this plane for an hour already. TAKE OFF, PILOT!]
Serena gets Dan a freaking amazing watch instead, which he refuses because he's POOR (remember?) and forces Serena to get creative, which she does with help from Vanessa. Sweet Serena doesn't see what's really going on there with Vanessa, but Blair awesomely does and not so subtly threatens Vanessa to back off of Dan, all while innocently holding a pair of scissors. It's beautiful. Dan ends up loving Serena's present of making it "snow," but I'm pretty sure her real present to him was the booty. As in, she gave up her booty to Dan. In case that was unclear. Anywho, Serena and Dan have the sex and everything is peachy keen. Until next week, when they realize OMG! they are from different worlds again! Those two need to get a new conflict.
[Ah, forward doors are closing. I've never been so happy to watch a safety video in my entire life.]
All in all, a decently satisfying Christmas episode of our favorite CW bitchfest. According to the promos, the next two episodes (whenever those may be...) are THE BEST YET. And you know what? I'm inclined to believe them. Until then, my friends, have a wonderful holiday season.