Friday, February 01, 2008

Deeply Superficial Blog-a-Thon: Five body parts I love on actresses I genuinely admire the talent of

We straight men have it tough.

OK, so, technically, we really don't. We pretty much own the world, and the rest of you are far behind and far too many of us don't care about that, but let's forget all of that for a moment.

Straight men are pretty easily stereotyped as frat-boy-ish, beer-drinkin', football-watchin' good-time dudes who pretty much only like women of Amazonian proportions (which is sort of weird, since, shouldn't we want to be just a smidge taller than our ladies by these same stereotypes? I digress). Now, I'm someone who went to band camp. I can't stand most American beers. I like MUSICALS, fer God's sake, and much prefer baseball to a little smash-mouth action.

But, God help me, I'm straight. I love me some ladies. But, mostly, I love me some APPROACHABLE ladies. I'm all about the attainable hot. Katherine Heigl (the current "woman of the year," according to AskMen.com -- and, I just want to say, I was NOT consulted) is fine and good, and I can appreciate her general perfection and blonde hair and nice breasts and beautiful face, but a little part of me thinks that if I ran into Katherine Heigl or Angelina Jolie or Heidi Klum in the street, they would probably eat me alive and/or push me in front of a speeding car. Despite how I appear, I am meek and frail and not one for confrontation.

No sir, what I want is a girl who's pretty but not THAT kind of pretty. The kind of pretty that you might happen to see in a bookstore while she stocked the shelves. You'd look away, but she'd have caught you looking, and maybe she'd smile. Or call security. I realize that this is probably weirdly sexist, but that's the way I roll.

So here are five body parts I love on actresses I genuinely admire the talent of. I limited myself to non-breast features, since you can buy a pair of fantastic breasts, and, let's face it, straight men are pretty fascinated by ANY breasts.

We'll begin with. . .

1.) Ginnifer Goodwin's ears. I feel kind of bad doing this, because I would wager that Ginnifer Goodwin is sort of self-conscious about her ears. Doing a Google image search took a while for me to find a photo where they weren't hidden in some way (even back when she had short hair), and looking for a Big Love screencap ended similarly. And, honestly, her ears are kind of big and they stick out from her head. (Is it weird that my chosen presidential candidate, Barack Obama, also has imperfect ears? Do I have ear envy?) But, you know what? Those imperfect ears strike me as absolutely wonderful. To me, Ginnifer Goodwin is one of the most beautiful women on Earth, and those ears just complete the package for me. There's just something -- oh, all right, I'll say it -- adorable about them and the way she plays coy and keeps trying to sweep her hair over them. It's as though I've reverted to one of those Victorian men so intoxicated by the slightest view of female skin that I can't stand looking at table legs. Ears, obviously, aren't usually high on the list of attractive features, but Goodwin's are perfectly imperfect. Bring out your ears, Ginnifer!

2.) Zooey Deschanel's eyes. This is kind of unfair, because eyes are commonly cited as a popular feature to be attracted to in a young lady. But I can't help it. Zooey Deschanel's blue, blue, blue eyes essentially turn me into Georges Seurat in "Sunday in the Park with George" (you don't get these musical references just anywhere) to the point where I'm just endlessly saying, "Blue blue blue blue blue blue green blue blue blue blue" until Libby says, "CAN YOU SHUT UP AND JUST LET ME WATCH ALL THE REAL GIRLS?" and I have to restrain myself. Deschanel occasionally goes blonde, and she's a little too pale to pull it off, but it somehow makes her eyes look even better. In and of herself, Deschanel is just the sort of quirky brunette that has managed to develop into my "type" since puberty, but her eyes are the sorts of eyes people write poetry about.

3.) Jennifer Garner's smile. Technically, Garner should go on the list of women I find vaguely intimidating. She could DEFINITELY push me in front of a bus if she decided she wanted to. But what makes Garner work, what holds the whole statuesque package together, is her agreeably goofy smile. It splits her entire face, and it's WAY too big for her frame, as though it were a part of a different, dorkier girl that she's trying desperately to leave behind in West Virginia (thanks, iMDB!). It's the kind of smile you see on the girl your best friend from high school got engaged to while he was away at college and then you meet her for the first time in a Denny's halfway between your school and his school and she's quiet most of the time, but then you say something stupid about Tron and she finds it funny and she smiles, SHE ACTUALLY SMILES, and you know she's the girl for your friend and you sort of resent him all at the same time for having a girl with that smile. Only, in this case, that smile is on a woman who's absolutely gorgeous. There's no way Garner is nearly as attractive without that too-big smile (just like Goodwin doesn't work without the ears). It takes her from ass-kicker and makes her best friend or soccer mom or high school girlfriend you never got over or whatever you want her to be.

4.) Kristen Bell's short. I am tall. Not NBA tall, by any means, but I am 6'3", and, having grown up in a small town, I used to get that question about whether I played basketball a LOT. What's more, I've always BEEN tall. I was always at or near the top height for my class in school. My father used to tell me, when I was failing at sports because my reflexes lagged behind my frame, that someday, I would pull it all together, and the kids in the stands would cheer and chant "BIG T!" in unison and then clap their hands and stomp at the same time. Now, this never actually happened, but if you read something on here by me that you really like, I'd appreciate it if you would do this all the same. Now, Kristen Bell, the once and future Veronica Mars, is the size of a small bird or woodland creature or something, to the point where her 5'1"-ness often gets her mistaken for someone who's 15 or something (when, really, she's three months OLDER than me). As someone who's NEVER understood what it is to be so much shorter than everyone else, I find the very otherness of shortness very attractive (my wife, after all, is only 5'3"). There's something about shortness that brings the VERY dormant alpha male in me rumbling to life, and I'm sure Kristen Bell would be pleased to hear that.

5.) Emily Mortimer's chin. Just so you know, this space was a close competition between this, Jewel Staite's cheeks and Emily Mortimer's hollow bones like a bird, but my huge affection for the remarkable Lars and the Real Girl pushed Mortimer over the top in the end. (I also wanted to toss Romola Garai in here somewhere, since she was the best Briony in Atonement and she's the only one who hasn't been nominated for any awards, for some reason, but I wasn't sure what to say about her. Meek voice? Ethereal carriage? Who knows?) Anyway, Emily Mortimer is yet another quirky brunette, this time with a British accent (I could do a whole posts on accents I find attractive. . .maybe I will). But what's best about Mortimer is her open, warm face, which feels like you could get lost in it. That chin is what makes it. It's EVER-so-slightly too prominent, but not in a bad way. In fact, I think the rest of the face is TOO open without it. Without its rigidity, you'd probably completely lose interest in looking at her. Oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn't lose interest in looking at her if she had NO chin, though, admittedly, it might be for different reasons.

So there you have it. I had a whole list of actresses I could have listed (and a few other famous women), but I narrowed it down to these five. I hope that some night, Ginnifer Goodwin is up, unable to sleep, endlessly Googling herself and she stumbles across this. Then, finally, I would know this blog had arrived.

8 comments:

Carrie said...

Romola Garai WAS the best Briony in Atonement! I'm so glad someone else thinks so. I found it so strange when she was summarily ignored in any discussion about the film.

I loved this post. It made me smile. Go ahead, call me superficial. I can take it.

(P.S. FNL was awesome this week. Can't wait to read your writeup.)

Anonymous said...

Kristen Bell's ears are so much better! Bell's ears are absolutely perfect. Their curves, contours, size, shape - perfection! Her nose is perfect as well. In fact, she's perfect. She's from near my hometown - I wish I were half my age, I'd be in love!

Anonymous said...

BIG T!

Anonymous said...

BIG T! WHOO!

Patrick said...

Well now. I just have to disagree with you on some points. You sound like you fear "too beautiful women".
Going for the attainable hot, yep that's my way too. But my attainable hot is for example Kristen Kreuk, Cote De'Pablo or why not Hayden Panetterie when we're at it.
How in the world wide web could some one like me (normal average guy) ,in their relative world as celebrities and total knock out babes, get any way near these beauties?

Well since I'm one of those world dominating men I have something called oversized ego, or at least i portray my self as having one to be honest (who can tell?). One other huge factor you are totally missing out on is the "personality" part. We know little or close to nothing about these girls. For real, we do not. The super-fine-mega-hubbahubba-girl you might fancy could be the total weirdo in real life. Now, how hot is that?

So with some people skills and some ego you can get a LOT further than you think. If you really want it you can get it. Not saying I'm off to L.A and start hitting on any one of them like some stalker, which would be quite fun actually, as a life quest of some sort. No I don't mean being a stalker. But if I get the chance, count on me doing everything just to get a smile from either one of them just having any sort of conversation.

Why?
Because they aren't more fancy then we think they are. And they might need to be enlightened about this little fact in a...subtle manor....which will result in the overall positive subcoming to what ever you choose! :)

Mart said...

Nice piece, I found it because I saw He's Just Not That Into You and GG's ears struck me as unique. Great film.

Mortimer's chin looks fine. Now HJNTIY's Drew Barrymore ...

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JustJss said...

Shockingly, your post is the only thing Google (tm) can find in a search for: "straight men have it tough" ... in quotes, that is.

Which we don't, of course, as you go on to point out. But isn't it odd that no one else dares even write the phrase?