Wednesday, February 20, 2008

“Kinda hot, colorful, grotesque” - American Idol

The guys kicked off the Top 24 last night in mediocrity. I knew things were going to be bad as Seacrest introduced the guys for the first time. Lots of bad waves to the cameras, awkward gestures used to connect to the crowd, but all missed for the most part. Danny Noriega’s double hands to the hips was pretty gay, and we’ll call David Archuleta’s two-handed wave to the camera theatrical; not unlike Hugh Grant’s two-handed greeting in Love Actually that he says he needs to work on. And Colton Berry reached beyond believability when he blew the smoke of the end of his gun—er—finger.

Last night’s theme was ‘From the 60’s,’ so you knew that someone was going to terrorize a once golden oldie. I was just hoping no one butchered one of my favorites.

David Hernandez comes from a broken family. Care tons. I wasn’t about to let David’s produced segment sway me, in any way, into voting for him. His recap also reminded us that he was not put through unanimously; Simon thought he had some serious confidence problems. David sang “Wait ‘til the Midnight Hour.” In the beginning, I was able to decipher the song, although it sounded a bit worthy. It never really grasped me. That was a diet performance: okay tasting, but not enough flavor for me to want to take a second bite. I can’t say that I’m surprised Randy and Paula approved of it, but Simon only liked the opening, and thought the middle and end slowed to a drag. As Seacrest bantered with the judges and read aloud the number for David, David barely picked his head up. He’ll need more charisma than that.

Chikezie. First off, I went to online to check the spelling of Chikezie’s name and to find out what his last name is, but he didn’t have one listed. A one-namer from Inglewood? I’m suspect. I’d rather call him Cher, the way he sang. He made it to the end of Hollywood last year, was sent home, but he’s worked hard to get back. Still, “More Today Than Yesterday” was just a god awful performance, on all levels. I liked Chikezie more yesterday than today, before I heard him sing that awful song.

Before David Cook started his performance, Seacrest, sitting with the guys, asked Colton if there’s anything he’d like to share anything about himself with the audience, and Colton said ‘from certain angles, I look like Ellen Degeneres.” I was shocked; the kid did look like her. David rocked out on “Happy Together,” putting in a strong showing. The arrangement sounded quite weird during the chorus, but he’s assured to get through. The judges agreed that it was a solid performance.

When I saw that Jason Yeager was from Grand Prairie, TX, I had to check out what the hell goes on there. Answer: ain’t shit. A quick check of their city homepage revealed that they are expecting a new Prime Outlets shopping center for the holiday season in 2009, and the Police Department has recently set up their own myspace page to reach a younger audience. Some great pics here, by the way, very masculine. Cops with arms crossed, cops with guns, cops on motorcycles, cops on ATV’s, cops leaping fences, cops in sunglasses, cops at the gun range. I am sold that this job kicks ass. I’m checking into their relocation program. Jason has a son, a small blonde patch on his bangs with otherwise black hair, and he sang Moon River. Why, in god’s good name, would he come out and sing that fucking lullaby? You got me. Let’s just say that Jason could be going home first. At least he’ll be able to spend more time with his son.

Robbie Carrico, aka Bo Bice, vowed to ‘put it all onstage, leave my soul.’ Deep bro. More important than focusing on Robbie’s strong performance of “One is the Loneliest Number,” I think we should track how many headbands Robbie Carrico wears throughout the competition. We saw one for his first audition, one for the Hollywood auditions, his interview/confessional, and now the Top 24, so that’s 4. I’m setting the over/under on headbands/wraps/hats at 21.

Up next was David Archuleta, the little nerdy guy with a big voice. He came out with energy, singing ‘Shop Around’ by the Miracles. His boyish charm will take him places. During her analysis, Paula appears to be on drugs for the first point this season. She stutters, stumbles, backtracks. When Simon told him “by a comfortable mile, that was the best performance of the night so far,” David lost it, giggling and freaking out. Probably made him even more likeable.

Daniel Noriega, from Azusa, CA, destroyed “Jailhouse Rock” with his outfit alone. He wore skinny jeans and a skinny tie. No obnoxious collar means no quality Elvis redo. Paula’s drugs were in full effect at this point: “It was very warm, almost scolding…and I love hearing how your voice goes in and out of these beautiful colors.I just feel like there’s going to be a lot of colors of Danny coming out.” Mmmyeah, okay.

Luke Menard is a carpet cleaner from Crawfordsville, Indiana. After seeing his performance, it’s evident he’s going to stay just that. None of the judges were impressed, and no way in hell anyone downloads that performance on iTunes. Surely Josiah Leming was better than that. Also, Crawfordsville looks like a blast. I love that under the dining menu on the city homepage that 'Ice Cream' is given its own link. That’s a good town. Next time I'm there, I'm so going to Dari-licious.
Whenever Colton Berry gets nervous, he sings the Teletubbies’ theme song. Um, yeah. Pretty much says it all. I didn’t need to hear his song to know he sucked. As they recapped the last episode, I'm reminded that Colton was last chosen, beating out my favorite debate teamer, Kyle Ensley. And so I hate him even more. He sang “Suspicious Minds” about as dull as can be done. Too even keel. Taylor Hicks won his season, in these early rounds, putting out more enthusiasm than was even necessary. Colton just didn’t bring it. Even Paula could only give him a “fun and eager attempt.'” Ouch. Paula, by the way, was under multiple effects of drugs at this point. I wouldn't mind joining her before enduring next week's performances.

Garrett Haley’s hair is bad for a woman stuck in the 80’s, let alone a 17 year old kid from Elida, Ohio. No way that haircut gets him any pussy in Ohio. Ohioans like crew cuts and tight fades. “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do,” but not nearly as hard as it was listening to Garrett sing. If the hair wasn't bad enough, he also had some nasty growth for a mustache and goatee. Aahhh, those first whiskers. For a guy, never do your balls feel so big as when those first facial whiskers come in. Your pubes don't even compare.

Jason Castro killed “A Beautiful Day for a Daydream” with his guitar. It felt like a really uplifting commercial, making me wanna buy a Bug and go driving in the rolling hills. The thing is, Jason looks like a pretty manicured, pretty straight-laced guy for having dreads. According to Simon, Jason just 'has it.'

Michael Johns finished it off with “Light My Fire.” No brainer selection for Michael. He definitely knows what he's doing, and was solid throughout the performance, capped off with a nice climax. '”Capped off with a nice climax” sounds a bit sexual, and a bit foody, but I'm sticking with it.

So after seeing the guys tonight, the top four are Archuleta, Carrico, Castro, and Johns. See ya Jason Yeager. Let’s see if the girls can outdo the gentlemen tonight.


Carrie said...

Trace, I don't watch this show anymore (I'm free! Hooray!) but I really like reading your recaps. The extra effort you put in by researching the contestants' home towns shows extreme commitment. I love it.

Welcome to the SDD family.

Carrie said...

Also, nice Love Actually shout-out. Please work in a Gossip Girl or O.C. tie-in next time.

trace said...

not only will i throw in GG and the O.C., Carrie, but I'll be able to throw in some One Tree Hill before you know it. my girlfriend's slowly locking me in. this is what happens when i don't have fantasy football. I replace it with highly feminine shows.